Thursday, January 6, 2011

Push me ‘til I have to fly, I've shed my skin, my scars

03/01/11

When the clock hits 11:11, what do you wish for?

I find that as far back as I can remember my wishes have all been for or about a boy. Maybe that’s because for as far back as I can look, particularly in the past year, there has always been a boy on my mind in some way, shape or form.

The worst part is the boy himself has changed quite a few times.

I’ve been thinking about that fact a lot lately. This time last year I was smarting from the ending of something that had never been good or healthy for me. I should have been happy about that phase of my life ending but instead, I was pretty devastated. A few months later it was interest from a friend that I didn’t return, though I wanted a boy so I tried my best. I came home from San Francisco in August healthy, happy and rested. Within a week I’d met someone. That one is still ongoing, though to call it casual would be overstating it. 

Now I come to boy number four.

He’s been on my mind since October and doesn’t look to be going away any time soon.

I’ve only spent one night in his bed so far. He’s spent one in mine. We’ve held hands twice. We’ve fallen asleep on the couch once. We’ve fought twice. We’ve flirted more than I can count. We’ve kissed a thousand times.

I’ve written him off a million times already. I’ve taken him back a million and one.

Most of these times he doesn’t even know about. It’s all been in my head for the most part.

One thing I have learned this past year is a lesson that is one of the most important I think that I’ll ever learn. It’s a pretty simple one too, and yet I think one of the hardest things in the world to put into practice. To give and receive love, you must first love yourself. To get respect, you must first respect yourself. If you allow yourself to be treated with anything less than the respect you deserve, you’ll never get that respect.

I am a dreamer. I am a romantic. I am a naive romantic at that. I am in love with the idea of love. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t really know how to be in love. For all my great theories and ramblings on it, for all my ideas and philosophies, I’ve never really been in love.

The reason that I haven’t, I am beginning to realise, is because I don’t love myself. Not really. Sure I can say all the right things, I can tell you that I deserve the best treatment in the world, but I always settle for less.
This year, instead of making resolutions, I am setting myself one simple goal.

I want to fall in love.
Not with a boy. Not with a girl.
I want to fall in love with myself.

I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to respect myself. I want to know deep within myself that I deserve the best, and I want to hold out for it. I want to love myself enough to never settle for any less than I deserve.

I want this blog to be about me. My thoughts, my experiences, my growth. This time next year, I want to look back on these entries and read about Katie. This blog will not be about a boy. This year will not be about a boy. I’m sure they’ll come and go, I’m sure some will even deserve mention here. But if I am going to fall in love this year, it’s going to be with me.

So how do you go about falling in love with yourself?

I for one am challenging myself. And if you’re reading this, I challenge you to do this with me.
Every day this year, I want you to tell yourself something you love about yourself. I want you to appreciate your own special brand of incredible. And I will do the same.

So go on, what do you love about yourself?




No comments:

Post a Comment