Sunday, January 22, 2012

And I wish you weren't worth the wait....

The last time I felt this physically sick was the night we broke up. Tonight, nearly four months later, I feel it again and it's still because of you.
I walked into the bar last weekend and you were friendly and spoke to me, I thought about it for days, what it might mean. We've spoken on the phone a dozen times this weekend, gone to lunch, made plans to hang out later this week... all of it.
Last night your mother told me she had missed me.
Last night I asked a lifelong friend of yours about you, and about M and about SJ and all of that stuff.
Tonight, having had words with Emily earlier today, and all of my friends begging me to be careful, I asked Emily to tell me everything she had kept from me about you after our break up. Everything you had said and done, but she had kept from me to try and protect me.
She told me how you denied ever being with me, saying I asked you out and then I assumed things, and you were afraid to say anything.
She told me how you made a joke of me to everyone, saying that I was a psycho stalker, that you even did it when I was right there.
She told me how the night of the singing pubs you hit on everyone, including her and once again denied you'd ever been with me when she turned you down.

You say you want to talk this week, so that we can clear the air. You've tried calling me a bunch of times in the last 30 minutes. You just texted me. You sat beside me today at lunch, you bought my lunch, you bought me drinks all afternoon. You have rung me for a chat at least 10 times in the last three days. You just called to say you're on the way up to my house with a friend to hang out. On Friday night you spent the whole night on the phone with me until 6.30 in the morning, talking.

I don't understand you. You're a pig. You're scum. And I don't want you to not be in my life, because when you're good, you're really good.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kiss me like you wanna be loved...

Every time I think I'm close to being okay or even think I really am okay you find a way to creep in.

Saw your cousin today and she smiled and said hi. Saw your best friend, though he didn't see me.
Went to your bar tonight with an old friend that wanted to see you for herself.
There was no one behind the bar but you, you had no choice but to serve me.
I was friendly and I think as a result you responded in kind. Polite, no hostilities, no ignoring me.

You caught me looking a couple of times but that meant you were looking too.

Truth is I miss having you in my life and you've no idea what it meant that you called me by my name and exchanged pleasantries with me tonight.

I'd be your friend again in a heartbeat.

You're full of shit, but talking to you was always the highlight of my day.
Honestly, if you were to ask me to marry you, I wouldn't think for a second about you hurting me again.
The only consequence I would be afraid of is how much everyone would hate me for giving in.
I still would though.