Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mistakes we knew we were making....

Not sure what it says about me that I can spend the morning in bed with you, and feel nothing at all.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free?

If everything that you do is done for the right reasons, you'll never have regrets.

Never not do something because it scares you. DO IT, because it scares you. The things that scare you most are the things you have the most to gain from.

Just some thoughts going through my mind today. And now to figure out how to put them into practice.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way

You could hide beside me, maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind...

I don't know when it got so hard for me to be assertive.
Maybe I've always been like this and just didn't realise it.
I think maybe I'm too afraid of someone not liking me if I stand up for myself.
I think maybe I'm too afraid of a boy not liking me if I stand up for myself.
Saw Reader yesterday. Bumped into him on the street and for 10 minutes, despite a crap day and my bad mood, Valentines didn't suck.
He said he might call over last night, but he didn't show. He did text to see if we could hang out tonight instead.
Found out tonight he was on his way out with the boys.
I actually called him on it, and in the space of 2 minutes, I felt 3 inches tall, wanting to take it back, to apologise for overreacting, to take the blame and ask him not to hate me for it.
The irony is that I HATE weak girls who let guys treat them like this.
If this was one of my friends I would have told her long ago to forget him. I've told myself to forget him.
And now, because of a stupid fight, my bad mood is back, I feel foolish, and I feel like I've blown something with him.
Blown what, I don't know, considering how awful it was last week when we hung out.
I don't know where this attitude comes from.
I don't know why I think that unacceptable treatment of me is acceptable, if it means a boy likes me.
I hate that more than I hate this post-fight feeling.
I have every right to be pissed if he blows off plans.
I'm not his ex girlfriend who took it and accepted it for 2 years. I'm not even his current girlfriend. I am his friend, and I would never treat a friend like that.
Time to stop letting them get away with it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

You can get what you want or you can just get old...

Airports are hell on earth, buses are uncomfortable, and trains are cold. I romanticise them in a way that I can't explain. I want to travel again. San Francisco was two of the best weeks of my life. I always imagined I would have seen so much more of the world than I have, at this point. I left Dublin, came home, and have been lost to static and stillness ever since. I need to start moving again. 

I don't know where my heart lies. I think I could happily spend my life in San Francisco. but maybe I need to keep looking for a while too. Melbourne looks incredibly appealing right now too. And maybe I'll end up following my heart right back home, or maybe I'll find something I never thought I would. I guess I won't know until I go, and I think maybe it's time I went looking, to see where my heart lies, and what it will find when I get there. 

Happiness is the shine on the street after the rain. It is the quiet moments in a busy city. It is exploring with friends, laughing, loving, dreaming, planning. It's making memories, taking photos and making collages in your mind, and on canvases too. It's in exploring the new, it's in facing your fears, it's in that perfect song that you listen to on repeat when you can't get out of bed because that little piece of music is the only thing keeping you awake. It's soft duvets, the smell of someone beside you. The knowledge that even if the spot beside you is empty, you are the greatest love that you will ever know. It's in all of the little moments that you have every day, and never notice. 

Time to start noticing. 
Time to get my happiness back. 
Time to get myself back. 

Is it something I'll regret or do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so bad

I lay on Readers couch tonight, watching stupid TV and trying to find something to say.
It was harder than its ever been.
He said a few weeks back that you can't go back once you've crossed a certain line. I'm starting to think he's right.

I slept in his bed two weeks ago (for the first time in a couple of months) and things have been weird ever since. I'm beginning to realise that I'm never going to have him in the way I wanted him. Not again. I had a shot at it, and for a myriad of reasons, it didn't work out.

He was pretty much the last thing keeping me here. I couldn't help but wonder if I left, would I be missing out on something with him, but now I know for sure.

It feels nice just to know, one way or another I think.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

I feel like I'm wasting my life.
The worst part is that I don't know how to change it at all.
I'm so terrified of waking up one day when I'm 50 and wondering what the hell I did with myself.
Already I feel like I have lost all of the things that made me interesting and unique.
Feel very much like I am settling for a very ordinary life.
Need to make a change

No no, I will never regret, no no I will live my life

Life has been so beyond sucky lately that I have found a serious lack of words with which to describe it.
So instead, I am attempting to find my mojo again by making a positivity post :)
There is plenty I could whine and complain about but focusing on it will only further the depression. I am trying to be optimistic, so I bring you, amazing quotes, and feel good music.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours." - Atlas Shrugged 

"go be that starving artist you're afraid to be. open up that journal and get poetic finally. volunteer. suck it up and travel. you were not born here to work and pay taxes. you were put here to be a part of a vast organism to explore and create. stop putting it off. the world has much to offer than what's on 15 television at TGI fridays. take pictures. scare people. shake up the scene." - Jason Mraz

"life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. so love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said that it'd be easy - they just promised it would be worth it." - anonymous

"courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." - ambrose redmoon

"there are moments in our lives when find ourselves at a crossroad. afraid, confused, without a road map. the choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. of course when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back. but once in a while people push on to something better. something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. or to give someone a second chance. something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. because it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are. and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be the person you want to be does exist. somewhere on the other side of hard work, and faith, and belief. and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead." - one tree hill

"when adults say, 'teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. we need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. we think that we are invincible because we are. we cannot be born, and we cannot die. like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. they forget that when they get old. they get scared of losing and failing. but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail. thomas edison's last words were: 'it's very beautiful over there.' i don't know where there is, but i believe it's somewhere, and i hope it's beautiful." - john green

"don't rush through growing up. it's a priceless feeling to be able to break one more glass, skip one more class. there will come a time where things will slow down. and we will miss our days when being young and reckless was all that meant to us. every tree started from a bud. you will do great things one day, but till then, live freely and without regret." - anonymous

"go after her, fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign 'cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought i'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in maeningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really." - anonymous

"life doesn't give you the people you want. it gives you the people you need. to help you. to hurt you. to love you. to leave you. and to make you into the person you were meant to be." - anonymous

" You are so young. You stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for answers because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to LIVE the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even knowing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Letters to a young Poet

"There are going to be so many people in the world who tell you can't do something- you might as well not be one of them.
Be passionate and foolhardy enough to put yourself on the line for something or someone you believe in.
Be honest and tough enough to accept whatever the outcome is, good or bad.
Be brave and naieve enough to try it again and again. and again.
Life is too short for the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.
I fall flat on my face most of the time, but what an adventure it is falling!" - Keltie Colleen