Saturday, March 31, 2012

She's ten days late boy your life got complicated

Been having a pregnancy scare in recent days and i came to the conclusion that it would not be the end of the world or anything even close to it.
I'm not saying it would be ideal but i would definitely be able to cope i think and that shows me just how far i have come in the last 12 months.
But i have had to picture what it would be like to tell S that i was pregnant and picture how we would raise a child together or if we would, if he'd want to be involved.
In all my senarios i did picture him stepping up.
Then tonight he cant even say one word to me but will chat away to emily as she sits right next to me?
I have had a lucky escape that's for sure.
I honestly hope he hits on me again in the future so that i can tell him i have more self respect than to let him treat me this way.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Oh how i wish i meant a little more than the sounds that eacape you're tired 4am lips

I never felt that way about you at all and yet your betrayal hurt just as much as his did.
The last few weeks were kind of amazing in terms of getting on. I never event noticed that i was attracted to you until it was too late.
Now having kissed you one week and been with you another you're on my mind quite a bit. The problem is that I know I'm not on yours.
I think you like me a little bit at least but I am realising you're never going to do anything about it.
I never learn.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

And I wish you weren't worth the wait....

The last time I felt this physically sick was the night we broke up. Tonight, nearly four months later, I feel it again and it's still because of you.
I walked into the bar last weekend and you were friendly and spoke to me, I thought about it for days, what it might mean. We've spoken on the phone a dozen times this weekend, gone to lunch, made plans to hang out later this week... all of it.
Last night your mother told me she had missed me.
Last night I asked a lifelong friend of yours about you, and about M and about SJ and all of that stuff.
Tonight, having had words with Emily earlier today, and all of my friends begging me to be careful, I asked Emily to tell me everything she had kept from me about you after our break up. Everything you had said and done, but she had kept from me to try and protect me.
She told me how you denied ever being with me, saying I asked you out and then I assumed things, and you were afraid to say anything.
She told me how you made a joke of me to everyone, saying that I was a psycho stalker, that you even did it when I was right there.
She told me how the night of the singing pubs you hit on everyone, including her and once again denied you'd ever been with me when she turned you down.

You say you want to talk this week, so that we can clear the air. You've tried calling me a bunch of times in the last 30 minutes. You just texted me. You sat beside me today at lunch, you bought my lunch, you bought me drinks all afternoon. You have rung me for a chat at least 10 times in the last three days. You just called to say you're on the way up to my house with a friend to hang out. On Friday night you spent the whole night on the phone with me until 6.30 in the morning, talking.

I don't understand you. You're a pig. You're scum. And I don't want you to not be in my life, because when you're good, you're really good.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kiss me like you wanna be loved...

Every time I think I'm close to being okay or even think I really am okay you find a way to creep in.

Saw your cousin today and she smiled and said hi. Saw your best friend, though he didn't see me.
Went to your bar tonight with an old friend that wanted to see you for herself.
There was no one behind the bar but you, you had no choice but to serve me.
I was friendly and I think as a result you responded in kind. Polite, no hostilities, no ignoring me.

You caught me looking a couple of times but that meant you were looking too.

Truth is I miss having you in my life and you've no idea what it meant that you called me by my name and exchanged pleasantries with me tonight.

I'd be your friend again in a heartbeat.

You're full of shit, but talking to you was always the highlight of my day.
Honestly, if you were to ask me to marry you, I wouldn't think for a second about you hurting me again.
The only consequence I would be afraid of is how much everyone would hate me for giving in.
I still would though.

Friday, December 23, 2011

I close my eyes and then you pull me in, I'm not much for dancing but for you I did...

It's Christmas. I'm drunk.

I had to go into your bar tonight to collect my keys from Emily.
I saw you in passing behind the bar, but you didn't see me.

I keep thinking lately about Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
"Life of the party, you're showing off again
I roll my eyes and then you pull me in,
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did"

All I can think about is that night, in Club Shed, we'd said goodnight to Emily, put her to bed and went back outside to the music, you pulled me in and started slow dancing with me, complete with dips and twirls.

Emily, when I walked into the bar tonight, was singing Wasn't Expecting That, by Jamie Lawson. It's always been the song I associated with you, ever since we met.

I keep finding reasons to hate you but nothing seems to work. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, I still love you as if I were still with you.

I don't know how to not be in love with you.
I wish I could not be in love with you.
Why won't you realise that you loved me too, and that you miss me?
A pipe dream I know.
I'd still marry you, though.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It's not getting easier, it's not getting easier...

Tonight I feel a loneliness that I swear is bone deep.

I can't shake it, no matter what I do. It always happens when I've seen him and so maybe I need to stop torturing myself and avoid him at all costs, but I can't do that either. It's a small town and we're going to see each other around.

I have conversations with myself, imaginary situations where we come face to face and he speaks to me, or calls me, or something, ANYTHING that would take this gaping hole away.

Tonight, for the first time, I regretted the entire relationship. Not because of him or how it turned out, but because for so long I complained about being single, or said I felt lonely and the thing is, I didn't understand the word. I couldn't. And now I get it, finally, at long last, I can fully appreciate it. I thought I knew what it felt like, but I hadn't a clue - he got me used to something and then took it away. And now, it's so much harder than it ever was before.

I no longer have the late night phone call to look forward to. I have a guy I could text 24 hours a day and know he would reply, but I have no desire to. That guy in question said to me the other day that I deserved a guy who would treat me right, tell me I'm beautiful, and be everything I deserved in a boyfriend. The only problem was, he's not the one I want to hear it from.

My head knows that I'm only in love with the person I thought he was, not the real him. But the person I thought he was is still gone from my life, even if he never existed to begin with. He's still something to miss.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking...

Lover has been on my mind so much lately.

After weeks of convincing myself he was worthless and not worth being upset over, not worth missing, I pretty much had myself convinced.

Today I was sure that I was going to see him. I knew it in my blood. When Emily suggested tonight that we go out, I hoped to see him, as much as I had a feeling I would, and therein lies the problem.

He was out with his friends, I was out with mine. We sat at tables opposite each other all night and I managed to only glance once or twice. I spent the night talking to a lovely guy. About Lover, of all things.

In fact I spent the night talking about him to anyone who would listen. I told Emily once we got home that it was a good thing I had seen him out. I didn't die, I didn't panic, and I didn't make an ass out of myself, I carried on with my night on the surface and looked to be having a great time. All I could think about was him.

Learning what I've learned in recent weeks, about the lies, the behaviour, the crap, the suspected drug use and confirmed suspicions, all I can think is that I miss him still. He wasn't the world's best boyfriend, not even close, and he is so full of charm that he doesn't have a whole lot that's real about him. And yet...

I tell my friends that I miss being a girlfriend, not that I miss being his girlfriend. The latter is the one that's true though. I really miss being his. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss curling up in the bed with him and passing out. I miss our silly little routine of going home with a take away and watching Come Dine With Me. Truth is, he is on my mind as much now as he was when we were together. Months apart, and still he is all I can see.

All the logic in the world says I am better off without him, and in my head, I know that to be a fact. He lied, he (probably) cheated, he made promises he had no intention of keeping, and he made up crap about me after we finished. And yet if he called me right now, I know I would pick up the phone and talk to him all night.

I really thought I would marry him.

Knowing what I know about him, I should never want to speak to him again. Truth is I'd still marry him tomorrow. Do I really think that little of myself? And why do I think so much of him?