I don’t want to label anyone The One That Got Away purely because I don’t think anyone that’s been in my life deserves such an epic title. I guess I’m still holding out hope that if someone gets away in my future, it will be more deserving of the title than anyone in my past has been.
One came pretty close though. We’ll call him Rocky purely because the song that reminds me most of him is “Rocky took a lover” by Bellx1.
I’ve known Rocky my whole life. He was probably the first boy that was ever really my friend, even way back when girls and boys weren’t friends with each other. We grew up together from the age of 10, playing, hanging out, climbing trees and being kids. When we were teenagers he dated my cousin for a while. He and I also had a texting thing when we were 15. To be honest I don’t even remember, but he does. We drifted apart, going to different schools, hanging out in different crowds...
We got back in touch in my third year of college. We spent approximately six months texting each other and visiting each other’s work places every weekend when I was home. Flirting and joking and playing around. It was obvious to everyone around us that there was something there. I moved home for the summer and it took us until August. But wow did we do it in style.
Saw each other on a night out, danced all night, left in the pouring rain and on the night we had our first kiss, we had our first everything in the rain, in the mud, beside the river with the sounds of the clubs and pubs letting out all around us.
There were probably more downs than ups in the few months we made it last. In fact there is no probably about it. Looking back now, I remember much more bad than good. But the good came in small surprising bursts.
I think more than any other guy, he came the closest to breaking my heart. He, actually, is the beginning in my recent long line of “bad” boys who won’t commit and who never give me as much as I give them. It all started with him. I think I might have loved him. If not, it’s the closest I’ve ever been.
There’s probably something deep and meaningful to be found in that fact if I were to examine it hard enough. Before him, I was the heartbreaker. After him, I was the girl that fell for the player who always let me down.
Tonight, when we were talking, I told him that I’d never seen much evidence to suggest he was a romantic. He responded by telling me that he didn’t know why he’d never been that way with me. When I suggested that maybe it was as simple as me not being the right girl, he said the perfect thing, just a year and a half too late.
He told me that he’d really liked me, but because he’d liked me he’d pushed me away, and that was why we didn’t work out.
He can have no idea how much sleep I lost wondering what I’d done wrong, wondering why he didn’t like me enough, was it because I was fat (he eventually got with a girl heavier than me), was it because I wasn’t interesting enough? Was the sex not good? Was I ugly? Why? Why? Why?
And now I know that it was him.
And maybe now I’ll trust myself enough to not always assume that if something doesn’t work out, that it was because of me.
People come in and out of your life for a million different reasons. Sometimes you’ll know straight away why. And other times, you might not figure it out until they aren’t around anymore.
It’s bittersweet that it didn’t work out with Rocky and I.
But he gave me an amazing summer and incredible memories. And tonight he gave me a bigger gift than he can possibly realise.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I loved him. And now he loves someone that didn’t scare him. And I am falling for a friend of his, who, funnily enough, will never love me back.