I went broke believing that the simple should be hard

Well it's hard to change the way you lose

If you think you've never won

I’ve been relapsing a lot this week. The inspirational confidence has been a bit more like empty words. I came so close to being very silly earlier. In my mind I began to play the blame game with myself.

Most people are very familiar with this game.

“What did I do to make him not like me?”

“How did I mess it up when it was going so well?”

“Did I push too hard? Was I not patient enough? Did I scare him off?”

These, I imagine are very common questions and it would probably very easy to come up with a hell of a lot more similar ones. Am I the only one familiar with this usual conversation between me, myself and I? I doubt I am.

So here is the question. When a boy hurts me, or lets me down, or acts horrible for what seems like no reason at all, why is it my automatic reaction to ask these questions? Why is it my automatic reaction to ask myself what I did wrong?

Well in the blame game, I am tired of having only one participant. I didn’t do anything wrong. I gave him space, I kept it casual, I allowed him to come and go as he pleased.

For once I am going to champion myself rather than fight the corner of the guy who has wronged me. For once, I am going to say it as it really is.

He is the one that is wrong, not me. He is the one that told me he was interested then stopped coming round. He is the one that told me I was getting too attached after he spent nights holding my hand and spooning me as I slept. He is the one that repeatedly told me that he is not like every other guy just trying to get what they can from a girl, and then acted like EVERY OTHER GUY.

I’m standing up for myself. I will admit to my faults. I am impatient, I get frustrated, I hate waiting for anything. But, for him, I waited. He let me down anyway. So I am learning an important lesson from this train wreck of an experience. It is not always my fault. In fact, in this instance none of it is my fault.

Playing the blame game is a matter of confidence and self belief. Do you trust yourself enough to stand by all of your actions? Do you love yourself enough to know that his actions are not your fault? I’m getting there. I regret that things didn’t work out. I really liked him, and I still do. But I like myself more. Never again am I going to allow anyone to make me feel like their bad behaviour is my fault.

I am what I am and one day, someone will come along that will adore my impatience, that won’t run away because I expect to spend time with them, someone that will appreciate me, flaws and all.

The blame game is a bad habit to get into. Trust yourself more. Respect yourself more.