January 21st
I wanted this blog to be all about me, as self absorbed as that sounds. I thought I could write about anything in my life, but that above all else, this was not going to be about a boy.
So far I am pretty sure all my entries revolve around Him in some way so I think that is one goal that can definitely be crossed off as having failed so far.
The truth is it’s hard to write about my life and not write about Him when he is still very much a part of my life, and is still confusing me at every twist and turn.
Last night he was asking me about my “hottie” friend that he saw me with during the week. Tonight he had me pinned to a couch tickling me and making me laugh and play fighting with me and finding every excuse in the world to touch me. He was also playing 20 questions with a girl via text.
Clearly an asshole? YES.
Therefore, clearly my type? YES.
I don’t want to be attracted to jerks. I really don’t. But they are the ones that I fall for again and again. So subconsciously at least, I like being treated mean. Now I just wish I could figure out why.
I want the boy that will hold my hand and hang out with me and be nice to me but still be playful and make fun and do all of the flirty things I love. In a way, He is perfect at that, well at least sometimes. The problem is that he only ever has to be a fraction as nice as he is mean to me to keep me interested. I want someone that is going to be like that all the time. That will be consistently nice.
I can pretty much guarantee that the next time I see him, he’ll be horrible to me purely because he had so much fun with me tonight.
I haven’t forgotten the endgame here. I don’t want to fall for him any more than I already have. I haven’t forgotten that he is a jerk above all else, and I especially haven’t forgotten that the second I let my guard down, he’ll only crush me without a second thought or a trace of guilt.
So why is it that every time he is like this, I want to surrender?
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