Friday, April 22, 2011

Scream in, scream out, time for feel the moment's gone too soon

I left my own house party tonight to walk Lost Boy home. That’s the new name I gave him after our talk tonight. Reader just doesn’t cover the range of things that he is. But more than anything, I think he’s lost.

I would love to understand what it is about THE ex. The one that has him so messed up. It’s been a year and a half, and I don’t think he’ll ever trust another girl again. The one person he gave his heart to and he got it broken in such a way that I’m not sure he’ll ever let it heal. The irony is that he’s probably the only guy I got close to doing that with, and here we are, four months after the fact and I’m still obsessing.

He admitted to me tonight that he’s not happy. That he never is. I told him the same. We spent the night flirting and chasing each other around the house, play fighting, messing, finding excuses to touch.  I walked him home as an excuse to be alone with him for a while, and I told him that Drummer had been a distraction from the fact that I couldn’t have my first choice. I stopped short of telling him that even after all these months, he’s still my first choice.

I got the courage to say it in a text when I got home.

He’s probably not going to reply, and it will be okay if he doesn’t.  As I said to him in the text message, he doesn’t feel the same, and that’s okay. I don’t expect him to. But at least I’ve said it. No regrets. I’ve been honest, and I’ve given it my best shot, and the rest of it is out of my hands.  There is something quite freeing about knowing that.

No matter what happens – if he responds, or if he ignores it, if he starts coming around a bit more, if he tries to fix our friendship or if he avoids me like the plague. It doesn’t matter. It’s out of my hands. I’ve said what I needed to say, and he knows how I feel and that’s all I can do.

I don’t think I’ll get the outcome that I want. As naive as I am, I am not stupid. But at least when I look back on this whole thing, and I know I will, I can say that I was honest, and that I put myself out there, and that if it didn’t work, it wasn’t because of something I did. And I’m starting to realise that is all I can hope for.

I'm waiting for your healing hand, one touch can bring me round....