Friday, December 23, 2011

I close my eyes and then you pull me in, I'm not much for dancing but for you I did...

It's Christmas. I'm drunk.

I had to go into your bar tonight to collect my keys from Emily.
I saw you in passing behind the bar, but you didn't see me.

I keep thinking lately about Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
"Life of the party, you're showing off again
I roll my eyes and then you pull me in,
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did"

All I can think about is that night, in Club Shed, we'd said goodnight to Emily, put her to bed and went back outside to the music, you pulled me in and started slow dancing with me, complete with dips and twirls.

Emily, when I walked into the bar tonight, was singing Wasn't Expecting That, by Jamie Lawson. It's always been the song I associated with you, ever since we met.

I keep finding reasons to hate you but nothing seems to work. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, I still love you as if I were still with you.

I don't know how to not be in love with you.
I wish I could not be in love with you.
Why won't you realise that you loved me too, and that you miss me?
A pipe dream I know.
I'd still marry you, though.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It's not getting easier, it's not getting easier...

Tonight I feel a loneliness that I swear is bone deep.

I can't shake it, no matter what I do. It always happens when I've seen him and so maybe I need to stop torturing myself and avoid him at all costs, but I can't do that either. It's a small town and we're going to see each other around.

I have conversations with myself, imaginary situations where we come face to face and he speaks to me, or calls me, or something, ANYTHING that would take this gaping hole away.

Tonight, for the first time, I regretted the entire relationship. Not because of him or how it turned out, but because for so long I complained about being single, or said I felt lonely and the thing is, I didn't understand the word. I couldn't. And now I get it, finally, at long last, I can fully appreciate it. I thought I knew what it felt like, but I hadn't a clue - he got me used to something and then took it away. And now, it's so much harder than it ever was before.

I no longer have the late night phone call to look forward to. I have a guy I could text 24 hours a day and know he would reply, but I have no desire to. That guy in question said to me the other day that I deserved a guy who would treat me right, tell me I'm beautiful, and be everything I deserved in a boyfriend. The only problem was, he's not the one I want to hear it from.

My head knows that I'm only in love with the person I thought he was, not the real him. But the person I thought he was is still gone from my life, even if he never existed to begin with. He's still something to miss.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking...

Lover has been on my mind so much lately.

After weeks of convincing myself he was worthless and not worth being upset over, not worth missing, I pretty much had myself convinced.

Today I was sure that I was going to see him. I knew it in my blood. When Emily suggested tonight that we go out, I hoped to see him, as much as I had a feeling I would, and therein lies the problem.

He was out with his friends, I was out with mine. We sat at tables opposite each other all night and I managed to only glance once or twice. I spent the night talking to a lovely guy. About Lover, of all things.

In fact I spent the night talking about him to anyone who would listen. I told Emily once we got home that it was a good thing I had seen him out. I didn't die, I didn't panic, and I didn't make an ass out of myself, I carried on with my night on the surface and looked to be having a great time. All I could think about was him.

Learning what I've learned in recent weeks, about the lies, the behaviour, the crap, the suspected drug use and confirmed suspicions, all I can think is that I miss him still. He wasn't the world's best boyfriend, not even close, and he is so full of charm that he doesn't have a whole lot that's real about him. And yet...

I tell my friends that I miss being a girlfriend, not that I miss being his girlfriend. The latter is the one that's true though. I really miss being his. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss curling up in the bed with him and passing out. I miss our silly little routine of going home with a take away and watching Come Dine With Me. Truth is, he is on my mind as much now as he was when we were together. Months apart, and still he is all I can see.

All the logic in the world says I am better off without him, and in my head, I know that to be a fact. He lied, he (probably) cheated, he made promises he had no intention of keeping, and he made up crap about me after we finished. And yet if he called me right now, I know I would pick up the phone and talk to him all night.

I really thought I would marry him.

Knowing what I know about him, I should never want to speak to him again. Truth is I'd still marry him tomorrow. Do I really think that little of myself? And why do I think so much of him?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I don't wanna waste the weekend, if you don't love me pretend...

Turns out that for all my talk, I never learn.

I fell in love. I fell fast. Late August to early October was all it took, and just like that, a day after making plans for the future with me, he calls it all off, says we're too different and we're better as friends.

I've been a wreck this past week, and I wonder why I ever welcomed the idea of this feeling. I always said that heartbreak was a good thing, because it proved you were capable of love. Now I never want to feel it again. I just want the happiness back.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I could have married him. I looked at him and I saw his flaws and I saw his faults and I saw nothing that would have made me not want to be with him. He introduced me to his daughter, to his family, to his friends. He called me every night right before bed. He held doors open for me, he was proud of everything I did. He asked what I was doing with someone like him. And then nothing.

I've never had anything feel so right. And here I am once again, alone. Wondering why he doesn't want me.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Well you wanted something beautiful, you wished for something true...

Tomorrow I start packing.

I have such mixed feelings about moving out. I'm excited for a change, to get to know new housemates, to live in a house where things work, where it's not freezing all the time, and where I'm not struggling with the bills as much.

And yet, as bad as some of the times in this house have been, as bad as some of the dramas have been, I have some incredible memories of living here. Just about all of my best moments with Lost Boy have happened here. The night of the first snow, back in November when he came over after work, we cooked and watched movies with our friends while he flirted and held my hand under the blanket. The night he came over and fell asleep holding my hand on the couch. Waking up in my bed to kisses from him.

Ridiculous nights with Drummer have all happened here too. Lying in bed together and talking to the ghost in the room in what was possibly some of the funniest, cutest pillow talk in existence. Crazy nights where we were too busy with each other to even contemplate sleep.

Fun times cooking dinner with my housemates and watching a movie, laughing, joking and just being friends. Something that sometimes felt so rare here.

In so many ways I hope the new house is a happier place. And in so many ways, I can't see how it will compare to the times I've had here.

A few days ago I realised that the reason I can't move past Lost Boy is because I love him. It's been obvious maybe, for a long time but it was the first time I said the words out loud. In a way, I don't think I want to get over him. Because if I get over him, I have to pick myself up and start from scratch again. Not sure if I have the motivation at the moment to do that. I've been single for so long now, and looking, always looking, that now that I found someone who captivates me the way he does, it's not something I'm willing to let go of, even though a big part of me knows that someone else will come along.

I saw him tonight, just in passing in the street, through a window. We smiled and waved and it was easily the highlight of my day. On Friday night he walked past my work and I caught him checking to see if I was there before he gave me a thumbs up and continued walking. It completely changed my mood instantly.

I don't know how long it's going to take for me to either move on, or prove to him that some girls stick around. And maybe something will happen in the mean time to change it all. But this past week, since my drunken confession to him, I've felt more positive about everything. And maybe that's just the start I need.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Scream in, scream out, time for feel the moment's gone too soon

I left my own house party tonight to walk Lost Boy home. That’s the new name I gave him after our talk tonight. Reader just doesn’t cover the range of things that he is. But more than anything, I think he’s lost.

I would love to understand what it is about THE ex. The one that has him so messed up. It’s been a year and a half, and I don’t think he’ll ever trust another girl again. The one person he gave his heart to and he got it broken in such a way that I’m not sure he’ll ever let it heal. The irony is that he’s probably the only guy I got close to doing that with, and here we are, four months after the fact and I’m still obsessing.

He admitted to me tonight that he’s not happy. That he never is. I told him the same. We spent the night flirting and chasing each other around the house, play fighting, messing, finding excuses to touch.  I walked him home as an excuse to be alone with him for a while, and I told him that Drummer had been a distraction from the fact that I couldn’t have my first choice. I stopped short of telling him that even after all these months, he’s still my first choice.

I got the courage to say it in a text when I got home.

He’s probably not going to reply, and it will be okay if he doesn’t.  As I said to him in the text message, he doesn’t feel the same, and that’s okay. I don’t expect him to. But at least I’ve said it. No regrets. I’ve been honest, and I’ve given it my best shot, and the rest of it is out of my hands.  There is something quite freeing about knowing that.

No matter what happens – if he responds, or if he ignores it, if he starts coming around a bit more, if he tries to fix our friendship or if he avoids me like the plague. It doesn’t matter. It’s out of my hands. I’ve said what I needed to say, and he knows how I feel and that’s all I can do.

I don’t think I’ll get the outcome that I want. As naive as I am, I am not stupid. But at least when I look back on this whole thing, and I know I will, I can say that I was honest, and that I put myself out there, and that if it didn’t work, it wasn’t because of something I did. And I’m starting to realise that is all I can hope for.

I'm waiting for your healing hand, one touch can bring me round....

Thursday, March 24, 2011

There's nothing wrong with loving who you are...

Haven't had a whole lot to say lately.

I've been sticking to this whole "no boys" rule that I came up with a few weeks ago. It's better for my health, but not really my social life.

I went back to Weight Watchers today, after a few weeks of not eating properly, not eating at all, or binge eating. It seems I can never strike a good balance for long. The good news is that I am down 11 lbs since I started, which is amazing. My fabulous American Eagle jeans that I bought last summer are in need of a belt and the legs are baggy. Things are going back in the right direction, at least. I dreamt of my hotpants last night. All I've been thinking of to motivate myself in my weight loss is wearing these shorts and looking damn good in them at Oxegen this year.

If I have another motivation, I'm sure no one would blame me. More than anything, this summer, I want to look amazing. I want to look thin, I want to feel confident, and I want to bump into every single one of those boys who didn't think I was enough, and I want to show them what they could have had.

Some of the girls and I have set a shopping date for a few months time. New wardrobe for our new bodies.

I know that being thin is not going to solve all of my problems. I know that what is on the outside doesn't matter nearly as much as who I am. But for all my life, I have been unhappy with how I look. This is me changing it. I know I am going this for the right reasons. This isn't because I think boys won't want me as I am (I have had more than my fair share of guys who have no shortage of hot girls wanting them). This is for me. I really believe that now.

Maybe it's shallow. But if I can look in the mirror and like what I see, then maybe some other things will fall into place.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Don't give up on me, I'm about to come alive...

I have a self destruct button a mile wide.

The minute I start to do well at something, be it learning an instrument, losing weight, writing, a boy....a switch goes in my brain and I up and quit outright, or I sabotage myself at every turn. I see this in myself time and again, I know it's there and even as I am self destructing, there is a voice in my head that tells me I am. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, I do it anyway.

For all my flaws, my worries, my fears, and all of the (many) things I want to improve about myself, I never seem to want to change it as badly as I want to give into something bad for me in that moment.

I remember a time when I had incredible will power. I remember a time when surely, I was more interesting than I find myself to be now.

I miss that girl a lot.

I want to be the girl that is different, interesting and quirky. I don't want to blend in with the crowd. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed. I want to be special.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Everything is going to be alright...

They say the first step to any recovery is to admit the problem, so here goes:

I am miserable.

I ran away to Dublin today, took refuge in my friends spare bedroom, and hoped to escape my problems.
The only flaw with that plan was that problems follow you no matter where you go.
They don't go away just because the geography changes.

A change of scenery sometimes helps though. I was only here a few hours when I saw my unhappiness for what it was. That was something I couldn't see at home. The truth is that I've been so miserable for so long, that I've almost forgotten the last time I was really, truly happy.

I can point at Reader, and say that holding his hand on that snowy night, under the blanket as we joked and flirted and had fun with friends, as the last really strong memory of happiness. That was last November.

I don't want my happiness to depend on a boy. I don't want to be that girl. And the truth is, I think I've been obsessing over boys so much lately because it ALL sucks. There is nothing I can point to in my life right now and say that I am completely happy with it. And rather than fix any of that, I fixated instead on the idea that if I at least could point to a boy and say he was mine, that I would be happy, and could deal with the other bad parts, because I had this one good thing.

That's not how it works though. My mind is clearer than it has been in months. I was (am) crazy about Reader. I was replacing him with Drummer. And now I have neither of them. And that sucks. But it's going to be okay. It might not feel okay for a while, but it will pass, and I will move on.

I will be happy alone. I have to be.

Nearly all my relationships are pretty terrible at the moment. But the one that is at its worst, is the one with myself.

And that one takes priority.

I'll learn to be okay on my own.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Hating all the boys that got to you...

And all the things they took from you 
That you'd kept for yourself. 

For lack of a better word, I got dumped tonight.
I'm not sure what's worse, the feeling of being dumped when you're not even together, or being dumped because he has found someone he actually wants to be together with.
Or it could be that for the first time in nearly a year, I haven't had a boy to occupy my mind or time.
Drummer says he needs to straighten himself out and not be a womanizer any more. I said that I hoped she was worth it and he agreed. This is the second time in six months that he's found someone more worth it than I apparently am.
I'm torn between being bitter (because I want to be the girl who is worth it) and resigned because he was always my second choice anyway.
The great thing is that we both know it. We always do.
He knows Reader, is friends with him even, and he knows, I think, that if it came down to it, who I would choose.
It's okay though, because I know that he'd choose a different girl every time over me.

Truth is, I'm not that cut up about it either way.
I've seen it coming for a couple of weeks. I'm getting quite good at context clues, and it's not like we were ever epic anyway.
The truth is, that what's upsetting me is that despite my promise that this year was not going to be about boys, it's been about nothing else so far.
And now I've no excuses. I have no safety nets.
Now, all I have is me.
Already I am panicking about the free fall.

I know in theory that its better to be lonely alone, than to be lonely with someone.
I know that I deserve so much better than what all of these boys have been giving me.
I know that until I am happy with just me, I'll never find a boy that will be happy with just me.
Doesn't mean being alone sucks any less.
I'd kind of gotten used to a warm body beside me in the bed at night.
Cuddling up with my laptop doesn't feel nearly as good.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

oh how I wish I meant a little more than...

a symphony of heavy breathing 
and the friction of hips 

Turns out that feeling nothing is relative. Seeing you with someone else proved that.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mistakes we knew we were making....

Not sure what it says about me that I can spend the morning in bed with you, and feel nothing at all.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free?

If everything that you do is done for the right reasons, you'll never have regrets.

Never not do something because it scares you. DO IT, because it scares you. The things that scare you most are the things you have the most to gain from.

Just some thoughts going through my mind today. And now to figure out how to put them into practice.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way

You could hide beside me, maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind...

I don't know when it got so hard for me to be assertive.
Maybe I've always been like this and just didn't realise it.
I think maybe I'm too afraid of someone not liking me if I stand up for myself.
I think maybe I'm too afraid of a boy not liking me if I stand up for myself.
Saw Reader yesterday. Bumped into him on the street and for 10 minutes, despite a crap day and my bad mood, Valentines didn't suck.
He said he might call over last night, but he didn't show. He did text to see if we could hang out tonight instead.
Found out tonight he was on his way out with the boys.
I actually called him on it, and in the space of 2 minutes, I felt 3 inches tall, wanting to take it back, to apologise for overreacting, to take the blame and ask him not to hate me for it.
The irony is that I HATE weak girls who let guys treat them like this.
If this was one of my friends I would have told her long ago to forget him. I've told myself to forget him.
And now, because of a stupid fight, my bad mood is back, I feel foolish, and I feel like I've blown something with him.
Blown what, I don't know, considering how awful it was last week when we hung out.
I don't know where this attitude comes from.
I don't know why I think that unacceptable treatment of me is acceptable, if it means a boy likes me.
I hate that more than I hate this post-fight feeling.
I have every right to be pissed if he blows off plans.
I'm not his ex girlfriend who took it and accepted it for 2 years. I'm not even his current girlfriend. I am his friend, and I would never treat a friend like that.
Time to stop letting them get away with it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

You can get what you want or you can just get old...

Airports are hell on earth, buses are uncomfortable, and trains are cold. I romanticise them in a way that I can't explain. I want to travel again. San Francisco was two of the best weeks of my life. I always imagined I would have seen so much more of the world than I have, at this point. I left Dublin, came home, and have been lost to static and stillness ever since. I need to start moving again. 

I don't know where my heart lies. I think I could happily spend my life in San Francisco. but maybe I need to keep looking for a while too. Melbourne looks incredibly appealing right now too. And maybe I'll end up following my heart right back home, or maybe I'll find something I never thought I would. I guess I won't know until I go, and I think maybe it's time I went looking, to see where my heart lies, and what it will find when I get there. 

Happiness is the shine on the street after the rain. It is the quiet moments in a busy city. It is exploring with friends, laughing, loving, dreaming, planning. It's making memories, taking photos and making collages in your mind, and on canvases too. It's in exploring the new, it's in facing your fears, it's in that perfect song that you listen to on repeat when you can't get out of bed because that little piece of music is the only thing keeping you awake. It's soft duvets, the smell of someone beside you. The knowledge that even if the spot beside you is empty, you are the greatest love that you will ever know. It's in all of the little moments that you have every day, and never notice. 

Time to start noticing. 
Time to get my happiness back. 
Time to get myself back. 

Is it something I'll regret or do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so bad

I lay on Readers couch tonight, watching stupid TV and trying to find something to say.
It was harder than its ever been.
He said a few weeks back that you can't go back once you've crossed a certain line. I'm starting to think he's right.

I slept in his bed two weeks ago (for the first time in a couple of months) and things have been weird ever since. I'm beginning to realise that I'm never going to have him in the way I wanted him. Not again. I had a shot at it, and for a myriad of reasons, it didn't work out.

He was pretty much the last thing keeping me here. I couldn't help but wonder if I left, would I be missing out on something with him, but now I know for sure.

It feels nice just to know, one way or another I think.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

I feel like I'm wasting my life.
The worst part is that I don't know how to change it at all.
I'm so terrified of waking up one day when I'm 50 and wondering what the hell I did with myself.
Already I feel like I have lost all of the things that made me interesting and unique.
Feel very much like I am settling for a very ordinary life.
Need to make a change

No no, I will never regret, no no I will live my life

Life has been so beyond sucky lately that I have found a serious lack of words with which to describe it.
So instead, I am attempting to find my mojo again by making a positivity post :)
There is plenty I could whine and complain about but focusing on it will only further the depression. I am trying to be optimistic, so I bring you, amazing quotes, and feel good music.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours." - Atlas Shrugged 

"go be that starving artist you're afraid to be. open up that journal and get poetic finally. volunteer. suck it up and travel. you were not born here to work and pay taxes. you were put here to be a part of a vast organism to explore and create. stop putting it off. the world has much to offer than what's on 15 television at TGI fridays. take pictures. scare people. shake up the scene." - Jason Mraz

"life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. so love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said that it'd be easy - they just promised it would be worth it." - anonymous

"courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." - ambrose redmoon

"there are moments in our lives when find ourselves at a crossroad. afraid, confused, without a road map. the choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. of course when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back. but once in a while people push on to something better. something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. or to give someone a second chance. something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. because it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are. and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be the person you want to be does exist. somewhere on the other side of hard work, and faith, and belief. and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead." - one tree hill

"when adults say, 'teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. we need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. we think that we are invincible because we are. we cannot be born, and we cannot die. like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. they forget that when they get old. they get scared of losing and failing. but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail. thomas edison's last words were: 'it's very beautiful over there.' i don't know where there is, but i believe it's somewhere, and i hope it's beautiful." - john green

"don't rush through growing up. it's a priceless feeling to be able to break one more glass, skip one more class. there will come a time where things will slow down. and we will miss our days when being young and reckless was all that meant to us. every tree started from a bud. you will do great things one day, but till then, live freely and without regret." - anonymous

"go after her, fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign 'cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought i'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in maeningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really." - anonymous

"life doesn't give you the people you want. it gives you the people you need. to help you. to hurt you. to love you. to leave you. and to make you into the person you were meant to be." - anonymous

" You are so young. You stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for answers because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to LIVE the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even knowing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Letters to a young Poet

"There are going to be so many people in the world who tell you can't do something- you might as well not be one of them.
Be passionate and foolhardy enough to put yourself on the line for something or someone you believe in.
Be honest and tough enough to accept whatever the outcome is, good or bad.
Be brave and naieve enough to try it again and again. and again.
Life is too short for the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.
I fall flat on my face most of the time, but what an adventure it is falling!" - Keltie Colleen 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

In another life I would make you stay so I don't have to say you were the one that got away...

I don’t want to label anyone The One That Got Away purely because I don’t think anyone that’s been in my life deserves such an epic title. I guess I’m still holding out hope that if someone gets away in my future, it will be more deserving of the title than anyone in my past has been.

One came pretty close though. We’ll call him Rocky purely because the song that reminds me most of him is “Rocky took a lover” by Bellx1.

I’ve known Rocky my whole life. He was probably the first boy that was ever really my friend, even way back when girls and boys weren’t friends with each other. We grew up together from the age of 10, playing, hanging out, climbing trees and being kids. When we were teenagers he dated my cousin for a while. He and I also had a texting thing when we were 15. To be honest I don’t even remember, but he does. We drifted apart, going to different schools, hanging out in different crowds...

We got back in touch in my third year of college. We spent approximately six months texting each other and visiting each other’s work places every weekend when I was home. Flirting and joking and playing around. It was obvious to everyone around us that there was something there. I moved home for the summer and it took us until August. But wow did we do it in style.

Saw each other on a night out, danced all night, left in the pouring rain and on the night we had our first kiss, we had our first everything in the rain, in the mud, beside the river with the sounds of the clubs and pubs letting out all around us.

There were probably more downs than ups in the few months we made it last. In fact there is no probably about it. Looking back now, I remember much more bad than good. But the good came in small surprising bursts.

I think more than any other guy, he came the closest to breaking my heart. He, actually, is the beginning in my recent long line of “bad” boys who won’t commit and who never give me as much as I give them. It all started with him. I think I might have loved him. If not, it’s the closest I’ve ever been.

There’s probably something deep and meaningful to be found in that fact if I were to examine it hard enough. Before him, I was the heartbreaker. After him, I was the girl that fell for the player who always let me down.
Tonight, when we were talking, I told him that I’d never seen much evidence to suggest he was a romantic.  He responded by telling me that he didn’t know why he’d never been that way with me. When I suggested that maybe it was as simple as me not being the right girl, he said the perfect thing, just a year and a half too late.

He told me that he’d really liked me, but because he’d liked me he’d pushed me away, and that was why we didn’t work out.

He can have no idea how much sleep I lost wondering what I’d done wrong, wondering why he didn’t like me enough, was it because I was fat (he eventually got with a girl heavier than me), was it because I wasn’t interesting enough? Was the sex not good? Was I ugly? Why? Why? Why?

And now I know that it was him.

And maybe now I’ll trust myself enough to not always assume that if something doesn’t work out, that it was because of me.

People come in and out of your life for a million different reasons. Sometimes you’ll know straight away why. And other times, you might not figure it out until they aren’t around anymore.

It’s bittersweet that it didn’t work out with Rocky and I.

But he gave me an amazing summer and incredible memories. And tonight he gave me a bigger gift than he can possibly realise.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I loved him. And now he loves someone that didn’t scare him. And I am falling for a friend of his, who, funnily enough, will never love me back. 

And I can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love

January 21st 

I wanted this blog to be all about me, as self absorbed as that sounds. I thought I could write about anything in my life, but that above all else, this was not going to be about a boy.

So far I am pretty sure all my entries revolve around Him in some way so I think that is one goal that can definitely be crossed off as having failed so far.

The truth is it’s hard to write about my life and not write about Him when he is still very much a part of my life, and is still confusing me at every twist and turn.

Last night he was asking me about my “hottie” friend that he saw me with during the week. Tonight he had me pinned to a couch tickling me and making me laugh and play fighting with me and finding every excuse in the world to touch me. He was also playing 20 questions with a girl via text.

Clearly an asshole? YES.
Therefore, clearly my type? YES.

I don’t want to be attracted to jerks. I really don’t. But they are the ones that I fall for again and again. So subconsciously at least, I like being treated mean.  Now I just wish I could figure out why.

I want the boy that will hold my hand and hang out with me and be nice to me but still be playful and make fun and do all of the flirty things I love. In a way, He is perfect at that, well at least sometimes. The problem is that he only ever has to be a fraction as nice as he is mean to me to keep me interested. I want someone that is going to be like that all the time. That will be consistently nice.

I can pretty much guarantee that the next time I see him, he’ll be horrible to me purely because he had so much fun with me tonight.

I haven’t forgotten the endgame here. I don’t want to fall for him any more than I already have. I haven’t forgotten that he is a jerk above all else, and I especially haven’t forgotten that the second I let my guard down, he’ll only crush me without a second thought or a trace of guilt.

So why is it that every time he is like this, I want to surrender? 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I’ve been missing way too much, so when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for?

It’s been nearly a week and it’s been a pretty low one at that.

Don’t really have too many words to describe it really. Spent most of Saturday night lying on my bed talking to a friend and wishing I could just run away for a few days and not tell anyone where I was going, just turn off my phone and keep nothing with me but my iPod and my journal.

Truth is I’m getting really sick of falling flat on my face. Not sure what else I can do about it but to try and change my patterns. I need things to be different.

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

We must reinvent love

Yesterday, I had the absolute privilege to read “Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom” by  Keltie Colleen, who, incidentally enough, is my complete girlcrush of the moment.

I’ve pretty much been stalking her twitter and blog for months now and to finally get to sit down and read the book was so exciting for me.

This is the girl whose blog I’ve been visiting every time I feel weak and want to text Him. This is the girl who just always seems to say the perfect thing at the perfect time that I need to hear (read) it. This is the girl who has inspired this very blog, and is part of the inspiration behind my mission to love myself before I love a boy. 

This is a girl that I realistically enough am never going to have the chance to meet, but though her words on her blog, and through the beautiful words in her book, I’ve come to think of as a most trusted friend.
In Keltie, I found a sort of kindred spirit. Reading about her loves, her mistakes, her heartbreaks and the wisdom she gained from each one is more inspirational than I can even begin to put into words. To paraphrase, at one point in the book she says something about how her type doesn’t work for her. Well in that case, I am her sister. Keltie loves boys in skinny jeans with a guitar on their back. Now I don’t have a physical type, but boy do I have an emotional one.

Looking back on pretty much every guy I’ve ever been with, I’ve tossed aside the ones that treated me like a princess, and relentlessly chased the ones that were so completely unavailable it wasn’t even funny. All a guy needs to win me over is a reputation as a player, a nice smile, and to be a charmer. That right there is my type. Boys can, and have, charmed the pants off me by doing nothing at all. It’s something I’m working on breaking.

My type doesn’t work for me.

I’m a hopeless romantic. Scratch that. I am a hopeful romantic. I am the kind of romantic that doesn’t think everything will be fixed once I find someone, just that maybe the bad things won’t be as bad with someone else there. The reason I go for the player is because deep down, I want to be the girl special enough to change them. To make them want me and only me. That’s always a tough blow for the ego when you realise that it isn’t going to happen, believe me.

I am a hopeful romantic. Even though I knew the outcome of her story, I still found myself wishing she and Dreamer could work it out. Wishing he hadn’t done what he’d done. Wishing he hadn’t thrown away someone as beautiful and as special as Keltie. If I believe in nothing else in this world, I believe in love stories. That one had a bittersweet ending. He screwed it up, she lost a lot, and for a while she lost herself. But in the end, through the suffering she got something so much more important. She got herself back. More beautiful and stronger than ever.

No one has broken my heart, not really. In the past year I’ve only cried once over a boy. Ironically enough, he’s the one that’s made me smile more than any other one too. Now I don’t know what’s going to happen with him. Right now I’m not letting my guard down. But what I do know, is that if I can carry myself off with even half the courage and grace that Keltie shows, I’ll be doing pretty well.

Inspired beyond belief.
Courage. Passion. Hard Work. (To quote Keltie)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I went broke believing that the simple should be hard

Well it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

I’ve been relapsing a lot this week. The inspirational confidence has been a bit more like empty words. I came so close to being very silly earlier. In my mind I began to play the blame game with myself.

Most people are very familiar with this game.

“What did I do to make him not like me?”
“How did I mess it up when it was going so well?”
“Did I push too hard? Was I not patient enough? Did I scare him off?”

These, I imagine are very common questions and it would probably very easy to come up with a hell of a lot more similar ones. Am I the only one familiar with this usual conversation between me, myself and I? I doubt I am.

So here is the question. When a boy hurts me, or lets me down, or acts horrible for what seems like no reason at all, why is it my automatic reaction to ask these questions? Why is it my automatic reaction to ask myself what I did wrong?

Well in the blame game, I am tired of having only one participant. I didn’t do anything wrong. I gave him space, I kept it casual, I allowed him to come and go as he pleased.

For once I am going to champion myself rather than fight the corner of the guy who has wronged me. For once, I am going to say it as it really is.

He is the one that is wrong, not me. He is the one that told me he was interested then stopped coming round. He is the one that told me I was getting too attached after he spent nights holding my hand and spooning me as I slept. He is the one that repeatedly told me that he is not like every other guy just trying to get what they can from a girl, and then acted like EVERY OTHER GUY.

I’m standing up for myself. I will admit to my faults. I am impatient, I get frustrated, I hate waiting for anything. But, for him, I waited. He let me down anyway. So I am learning an important lesson from this train wreck of an experience. It is not always my fault. In fact, in this instance none of it is my fault.

Playing the blame game is a matter of confidence and self belief. Do you trust yourself enough to stand by all of your actions? Do you love yourself enough to know that his actions are not your fault? I’m getting there. I regret that things didn’t work out. I really liked him, and I still do. But I like myself more. Never again am I going to allow anyone to make me feel like their bad behaviour is my fault.

I am what I am and one day, someone will come along that will adore my impatience, that won’t run away because I expect to spend time with them, someone that will appreciate me, flaws and all.

The blame game is a bad habit to get into. Trust yourself more. Respect yourself more.

Friday, January 7, 2011

“Hey boy I really want to see if you can go down town with a girl like me”

I guess this is progress. At 11:11 tonight, instead of wishing for him to care, or to text, or anything I shouldn’t have to wish for, I wished that I will get over him.

It’s still a wish about a boy. But I think it’s heading in the right direction at least.

Because I like him so much, I’ve made so many excuses for his behaviour. Things which were really inexcusable. And it’s so easy to do too. Right now I’m picturing that night in his room. Or the night on my couch where even in his sleep, he reached across to hold my hand. 

What I am learning is that it is amazing what you will let someone get away with. I’ve always looked at my friends and marvelled at the fact that they get the most amazing guys. And now I realise it’s because from the very start, they have a tough love approach. “Treat me right from the beginning or not at all”.

It’s a policy I need to adopt, I think.

It’s one I think everyone has to adopt. You’ll never be treated right, if you let them get away with treating you wrongly.

I am intelligent.
I am fun.
I am easy going.
I am someone that any guy would be lucky to have.

And as for the “him” of this entry, he’ll realise it eventually. But I’ll be long gone. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

“Man, you should try to take a shot. Can’t you see my walls are crumbling?”

I’ve got a series case of the lonelies tonight. The problem with a positive attitude is that there has to be cracks sometimes. It can’t stay perfect and flawless all the time. Nothing can.

For me the cracks always appear at night when I’m watching my best friend talk to her boy, or when I’m crawling into bed alone, hugging my laptop or iPod instead of Him.

I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll feel strong. I’ll tell myself that I don’t need to see or speak to him at all. And I will really believe it. By the time I’m going to bed, I’ll be hovering over his number on my phone. Not even having anything to say to him, but wanting to talk to him nonetheless.

I used to be good at going to bed alone. Now that I know the feeling of waking up to a kiss on my shoulder, the feeling the weight of arms on my waist; now that I know the frustration of being kept awake because I can’t sleep with someone? Now, going to bed alone is the lowest part of my day.

Tomorrow I’ll be strong. Tomorrow I’ll be patient. Tomorrow I’ll remember that this is meant to be about me. Tomorrow I’ll remember that I deserve better than someone who won’t be here.

For tonight, I’m going to miss something I never really had. 

Push me ‘til I have to fly, I've shed my skin, my scars


When the clock hits 11:11, what do you wish for?

I find that as far back as I can remember my wishes have all been for or about a boy. Maybe that’s because for as far back as I can look, particularly in the past year, there has always been a boy on my mind in some way, shape or form.

The worst part is the boy himself has changed quite a few times.

I’ve been thinking about that fact a lot lately. This time last year I was smarting from the ending of something that had never been good or healthy for me. I should have been happy about that phase of my life ending but instead, I was pretty devastated. A few months later it was interest from a friend that I didn’t return, though I wanted a boy so I tried my best. I came home from San Francisco in August healthy, happy and rested. Within a week I’d met someone. That one is still ongoing, though to call it casual would be overstating it. 

Now I come to boy number four.

He’s been on my mind since October and doesn’t look to be going away any time soon.

I’ve only spent one night in his bed so far. He’s spent one in mine. We’ve held hands twice. We’ve fallen asleep on the couch once. We’ve fought twice. We’ve flirted more than I can count. We’ve kissed a thousand times.

I’ve written him off a million times already. I’ve taken him back a million and one.

Most of these times he doesn’t even know about. It’s all been in my head for the most part.

One thing I have learned this past year is a lesson that is one of the most important I think that I’ll ever learn. It’s a pretty simple one too, and yet I think one of the hardest things in the world to put into practice. To give and receive love, you must first love yourself. To get respect, you must first respect yourself. If you allow yourself to be treated with anything less than the respect you deserve, you’ll never get that respect.

I am a dreamer. I am a romantic. I am a naive romantic at that. I am in love with the idea of love. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t really know how to be in love. For all my great theories and ramblings on it, for all my ideas and philosophies, I’ve never really been in love.

The reason that I haven’t, I am beginning to realise, is because I don’t love myself. Not really. Sure I can say all the right things, I can tell you that I deserve the best treatment in the world, but I always settle for less.
This year, instead of making resolutions, I am setting myself one simple goal.

I want to fall in love.
Not with a boy. Not with a girl.
I want to fall in love with myself.

I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to respect myself. I want to know deep within myself that I deserve the best, and I want to hold out for it. I want to love myself enough to never settle for any less than I deserve.

I want this blog to be about me. My thoughts, my experiences, my growth. This time next year, I want to look back on these entries and read about Katie. This blog will not be about a boy. This year will not be about a boy. I’m sure they’ll come and go, I’m sure some will even deserve mention here. But if I am going to fall in love this year, it’s going to be with me.

So how do you go about falling in love with yourself?

I for one am challenging myself. And if you’re reading this, I challenge you to do this with me.
Every day this year, I want you to tell yourself something you love about yourself. I want you to appreciate your own special brand of incredible. And I will do the same.

So go on, what do you love about yourself?