Monday, May 2, 2011

Well you wanted something beautiful, you wished for something true...

Tomorrow I start packing.

I have such mixed feelings about moving out. I'm excited for a change, to get to know new housemates, to live in a house where things work, where it's not freezing all the time, and where I'm not struggling with the bills as much.

And yet, as bad as some of the times in this house have been, as bad as some of the dramas have been, I have some incredible memories of living here. Just about all of my best moments with Lost Boy have happened here. The night of the first snow, back in November when he came over after work, we cooked and watched movies with our friends while he flirted and held my hand under the blanket. The night he came over and fell asleep holding my hand on the couch. Waking up in my bed to kisses from him.

Ridiculous nights with Drummer have all happened here too. Lying in bed together and talking to the ghost in the room in what was possibly some of the funniest, cutest pillow talk in existence. Crazy nights where we were too busy with each other to even contemplate sleep.

Fun times cooking dinner with my housemates and watching a movie, laughing, joking and just being friends. Something that sometimes felt so rare here.

In so many ways I hope the new house is a happier place. And in so many ways, I can't see how it will compare to the times I've had here.

A few days ago I realised that the reason I can't move past Lost Boy is because I love him. It's been obvious maybe, for a long time but it was the first time I said the words out loud. In a way, I don't think I want to get over him. Because if I get over him, I have to pick myself up and start from scratch again. Not sure if I have the motivation at the moment to do that. I've been single for so long now, and looking, always looking, that now that I found someone who captivates me the way he does, it's not something I'm willing to let go of, even though a big part of me knows that someone else will come along.

I saw him tonight, just in passing in the street, through a window. We smiled and waved and it was easily the highlight of my day. On Friday night he walked past my work and I caught him checking to see if I was there before he gave me a thumbs up and continued walking. It completely changed my mood instantly.

I don't know how long it's going to take for me to either move on, or prove to him that some girls stick around. And maybe something will happen in the mean time to change it all. But this past week, since my drunken confession to him, I've felt more positive about everything. And maybe that's just the start I need.