Friday, December 23, 2011

I close my eyes and then you pull me in, I'm not much for dancing but for you I did...

It's Christmas. I'm drunk.

I had to go into your bar tonight to collect my keys from Emily.
I saw you in passing behind the bar, but you didn't see me.

I keep thinking lately about Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
"Life of the party, you're showing off again
I roll my eyes and then you pull me in,
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did"

All I can think about is that night, in Club Shed, we'd said goodnight to Emily, put her to bed and went back outside to the music, you pulled me in and started slow dancing with me, complete with dips and twirls.

Emily, when I walked into the bar tonight, was singing Wasn't Expecting That, by Jamie Lawson. It's always been the song I associated with you, ever since we met.

I keep finding reasons to hate you but nothing seems to work. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, I still love you as if I were still with you.

I don't know how to not be in love with you.
I wish I could not be in love with you.
Why won't you realise that you loved me too, and that you miss me?
A pipe dream I know.
I'd still marry you, though.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It's not getting easier, it's not getting easier...

Tonight I feel a loneliness that I swear is bone deep.

I can't shake it, no matter what I do. It always happens when I've seen him and so maybe I need to stop torturing myself and avoid him at all costs, but I can't do that either. It's a small town and we're going to see each other around.

I have conversations with myself, imaginary situations where we come face to face and he speaks to me, or calls me, or something, ANYTHING that would take this gaping hole away.

Tonight, for the first time, I regretted the entire relationship. Not because of him or how it turned out, but because for so long I complained about being single, or said I felt lonely and the thing is, I didn't understand the word. I couldn't. And now I get it, finally, at long last, I can fully appreciate it. I thought I knew what it felt like, but I hadn't a clue - he got me used to something and then took it away. And now, it's so much harder than it ever was before.

I no longer have the late night phone call to look forward to. I have a guy I could text 24 hours a day and know he would reply, but I have no desire to. That guy in question said to me the other day that I deserved a guy who would treat me right, tell me I'm beautiful, and be everything I deserved in a boyfriend. The only problem was, he's not the one I want to hear it from.

My head knows that I'm only in love with the person I thought he was, not the real him. But the person I thought he was is still gone from my life, even if he never existed to begin with. He's still something to miss.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking...

Lover has been on my mind so much lately.

After weeks of convincing myself he was worthless and not worth being upset over, not worth missing, I pretty much had myself convinced.

Today I was sure that I was going to see him. I knew it in my blood. When Emily suggested tonight that we go out, I hoped to see him, as much as I had a feeling I would, and therein lies the problem.

He was out with his friends, I was out with mine. We sat at tables opposite each other all night and I managed to only glance once or twice. I spent the night talking to a lovely guy. About Lover, of all things.

In fact I spent the night talking about him to anyone who would listen. I told Emily once we got home that it was a good thing I had seen him out. I didn't die, I didn't panic, and I didn't make an ass out of myself, I carried on with my night on the surface and looked to be having a great time. All I could think about was him.

Learning what I've learned in recent weeks, about the lies, the behaviour, the crap, the suspected drug use and confirmed suspicions, all I can think is that I miss him still. He wasn't the world's best boyfriend, not even close, and he is so full of charm that he doesn't have a whole lot that's real about him. And yet...

I tell my friends that I miss being a girlfriend, not that I miss being his girlfriend. The latter is the one that's true though. I really miss being his. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss curling up in the bed with him and passing out. I miss our silly little routine of going home with a take away and watching Come Dine With Me. Truth is, he is on my mind as much now as he was when we were together. Months apart, and still he is all I can see.

All the logic in the world says I am better off without him, and in my head, I know that to be a fact. He lied, he (probably) cheated, he made promises he had no intention of keeping, and he made up crap about me after we finished. And yet if he called me right now, I know I would pick up the phone and talk to him all night.

I really thought I would marry him.

Knowing what I know about him, I should never want to speak to him again. Truth is I'd still marry him tomorrow. Do I really think that little of myself? And why do I think so much of him?