Everything is going to be alright...

They say the first step to any recovery is to admit the problem, so here goes:

I am miserable.

I ran away to Dublin today, took refuge in my friends spare bedroom, and hoped to escape my problems.
The only flaw with that plan was that problems follow you no matter where you go.
They don't go away just because the geography changes.

A change of scenery sometimes helps though. I was only here a few hours when I saw my unhappiness for what it was. That was something I couldn't see at home. The truth is that I've been so miserable for so long, that I've almost forgotten the last time I was really, truly happy.

I can point at Reader, and say that holding his hand on that snowy night, under the blanket as we joked and flirted and had fun with friends, as the last really strong memory of happiness. That was last November.

I don't want my happiness to depend on a boy. I don't want to be that girl. And the truth is, I think I've been obsessing over boys so much lately because it ALL sucks. There is nothing I can point to in my life right now and say that I am completely happy with it. And rather than fix any of that, I fixated instead on the idea that if I at least could point to a boy and say he was mine, that I would be happy, and could deal with the other bad parts, because I had this one good thing.

That's not how it works though. My mind is clearer than it has been in months. I was (am) crazy about Reader. I was replacing him with Drummer. And now I have neither of them. And that sucks. But it's going to be okay. It might not feel okay for a while, but it will pass, and I will move on.

I will be happy alone. I have to be.

Nearly all my relationships are pretty terrible at the moment. But the one that is at its worst, is the one with myself.

And that one takes priority.

I'll learn to be okay on my own.