Don't give up on me, I'm about to come alive...

I have a self destruct button a mile wide.

The minute I start to do well at something, be it learning an instrument, losing weight, writing, a boy....a switch goes in my brain and I up and quit outright, or I sabotage myself at every turn. I see this in myself time and again, I know it's there and even as I am self destructing, there is a voice in my head that tells me I am. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, I do it anyway.

For all my flaws, my worries, my fears, and all of the (many) things I want to improve about myself, I never seem to want to change it as badly as I want to give into something bad for me in that moment.

I remember a time when I had incredible will power. I remember a time when surely, I was more interesting than I find myself to be now.

I miss that girl a lot.

I want to be the girl that is different, interesting and quirky. I don't want to blend in with the crowd. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed. I want to be special.