tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86983437194716627572024-02-06T18:53:21.137-08:00Wide Awake and So AliveKatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-68105834063237375862012-03-31T18:08:00.000-07:002012-03-31T18:08:49.579-07:00She's ten days late boy your life got complicatedBeen having a pregnancy scare in recent days and i came to the conclusion that it would not be the end of the world or anything even close to it. <br />
I'm not saying it would be ideal but i would definitely be able to cope i think and that shows me just how far i have come in the last 12 months.<br />
But i have had to picture what it would be like to tell S that i was pregnant and picture how we would raise a child together or if we would, if he'd want to be involved.<br />
In all my senarios i did picture him stepping up.<br />
Then tonight he cant even say one word to me but will chat away to emily as she sits right next to me? <br />
I have had a lucky escape that's for sure. <br />
I honestly hope he hits on me again in the future so that i can tell him i have more self respect than to let him treat me this way.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-78387528690356263852012-03-11T03:39:00.000-07:002012-03-11T03:39:59.908-07:00Oh how i wish i meant a little more than the sounds that eacape you're tired 4am lipsI never felt that way about you at all and yet your betrayal hurt just as much as his did.<br />
The last few weeks were kind of amazing in terms of getting on. I never event noticed that i was attracted to you until it was too late. <br />
Now having kissed you one week and been with you another you're on my mind quite a bit. The problem is that I know I'm not on yours.<br />
I think you like me a little bit at least but I am realising you're never going to do anything about it. <br />
I never learn.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-64713187675013865522012-01-22T16:09:00.000-08:002012-01-22T16:09:51.429-08:00And I wish you weren't worth the wait....The last time I felt this physically sick was the night we broke up. Tonight, nearly four months later, I feel it again and it's still because of you.<br />
I walked into the bar last weekend and you were friendly and spoke to me, I thought about it for days, what it might mean. We've spoken on the phone a dozen times this weekend, gone to lunch, made plans to hang out later this week... all of it.<br />
Last night your mother told me she had missed me.<br />
Last night I asked a lifelong friend of yours about you, and about M and about SJ and all of that stuff.<br />
Tonight, having had words with Emily earlier today, and all of my friends begging me to be careful, I asked Emily to tell me everything she had kept from me about you after our break up. Everything you had said and done, but she had kept from me to try and protect me.<br />
She told me how you denied ever being with me, saying I asked you out and then I assumed things, and you were afraid to say anything.<br />
She told me how you made a joke of me to everyone, saying that I was a psycho stalker, that you even did it when I was right there.<br />
She told me how the night of the singing pubs you hit on everyone, including her and once again denied you'd ever been with me when she turned you down.<br />
<br />
You say you want to talk this week, so that we can clear the air. You've tried calling me a bunch of times in the last 30 minutes. You just texted me. You sat beside me today at lunch, you bought my lunch, you bought me drinks all afternoon. You have rung me for a chat at least 10 times in the last three days. You just called to say you're on the way up to my house with a friend to hang out. On Friday night you spent the whole night on the phone with me until 6.30 in the morning, talking.<br />
<br />
I don't understand you. You're a pig. You're scum. And I don't want you to not be in my life, because when you're good, you're really good.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-79923494832589054232012-01-14T16:43:00.000-08:002012-01-14T16:43:10.821-08:00Kiss me like you wanna be loved...Every time I think I'm close to being okay or even think I really am okay you find a way to creep in.<br />
<br />
Saw your cousin today and she smiled and said hi. Saw your best friend, though he didn't see me.<br />
Went to your bar tonight with an old friend that wanted to see you for herself.<br />
There was no one behind the bar but you, you had no choice but to serve me.<br />
I was friendly and I think as a result you responded in kind. Polite, no hostilities, no ignoring me.<br />
<br />
You caught me looking a couple of times but that meant you were looking too.<br />
<br />
Truth is I miss having you in my life and you've no idea what it meant that you called me by my name and exchanged pleasantries with me tonight.<br />
<br />
I'd be your friend again in a heartbeat.<br />
<br />
You're full of shit, but talking to you was always the highlight of my day.<br />
Honestly, if you were to ask me to marry you, I wouldn't think for a second about you hurting me again.<br />
The only consequence I would be afraid of is how much everyone would hate me for giving in.<br />
I still would though.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://0.gvt0.com/vi/Xo2y_k3yDgg/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xo2y_k3yDgg&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xo2y_k3yDgg&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-72977870489691378202011-12-23T15:27:00.000-08:002011-12-23T15:27:55.371-08:00I close my eyes and then you pull me in, I'm not much for dancing but for you I did...It's Christmas. I'm drunk.<br />
<br />
I had to go into your bar tonight to collect my keys from Emily.<br />
I saw you in passing behind the bar, but you didn't see me.<br />
<br />
I keep thinking lately about Last Kiss by Taylor Swift<br />
"Life of the party, you're showing off again<br />
I roll my eyes and then you pull me in,<br />
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did"<br />
<br />
All I can think about is that night, in Club Shed, we'd said goodnight to Emily, put her to bed and went back outside to the music, you pulled me in and started slow dancing with me, complete with dips and twirls.<br />
<br />
Emily, when I walked into the bar tonight, was singing Wasn't Expecting That, by Jamie Lawson. It's always been the song I associated with you, ever since we met.<br />
<br />
I keep finding reasons to hate you but nothing seems to work. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, I still love you as if I were still with you.<br />
<br />
I don't know how to not be in love with you.<br />
I wish I could not be in love with you.<br />
Why won't you realise that you loved me too, and that you miss me?<br />
A pipe dream I know.<br />
I'd still marry you, though.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-13431468226263390192011-12-21T17:32:00.000-08:002011-12-21T17:32:23.194-08:00It's not getting easier, it's not getting easier...Tonight I feel a loneliness that I swear is bone deep.<br />
<br />
I can't shake it, no matter what I do. It always happens when I've seen him and so maybe I need to stop torturing myself and avoid him at all costs, but I can't do that either. It's a small town and we're going to see each other around.<br />
<br />
I have conversations with myself, imaginary situations where we come face to face and he speaks to me, or calls me, or something, ANYTHING that would take this gaping hole away.<br />
<br />
Tonight, for the first time, I regretted the entire relationship. Not because of him or how it turned out, but because for so long I complained about being single, or said I felt lonely and the thing is, I didn't understand the word. I couldn't. And now I get it, finally, at long last, I can fully appreciate it. I thought I knew what it felt like, but I hadn't a clue - he got me used to something and then took it away. And now, it's so much harder than it ever was before.<br />
<br />
I no longer have the late night phone call to look forward to. I have a guy I could text 24 hours a day and know he would reply, but I have no desire to. That guy in question said to me the other day that I deserved a guy who would treat me right, tell me I'm beautiful, and be everything I deserved in a boyfriend. The only problem was, he's not the one I want to hear it from.<br />
<br />
My head knows that I'm only in love with the person I thought he was, not the real him. But the person I thought he was is still gone from my life, even if he never existed to begin with. He's still something to miss.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><i>Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.</i></span>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-41956155970548300192011-12-12T19:25:00.000-08:002011-12-12T19:25:48.507-08:00Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking...Lover has been on my mind so much lately.<br />
<br />
After weeks of convincing myself he was worthless and not worth being upset over, not worth missing, I pretty much had myself convinced.<br />
<br />
Today I was sure that I was going to see him. I knew it in my blood. When Emily suggested tonight that we go out, I hoped to see him, as much as I had a feeling I would, and therein lies the problem.<br />
<br />
He was out with his friends, I was out with mine. We sat at tables opposite each other all night and I managed to only glance once or twice. I spent the night talking to a lovely guy. About Lover, of all things.<br />
<br />
In fact I spent the night talking about him to anyone who would listen. I told Emily once we got home that it was a good thing I had seen him out. I didn't die, I didn't panic, and I didn't make an ass out of myself, I carried on with my night on the surface and looked to be having a great time. All I could think about was him.<br />
<br />
Learning what I've learned in recent weeks, about the lies, the behaviour, the crap, the suspected drug use and confirmed suspicions, all I can think is that I miss him still. He wasn't the world's best boyfriend, not even close, and he is so full of charm that he doesn't have a whole lot that's real about him. And yet...<br />
<br />
I tell my friends that I miss being a girlfriend, not that I miss being his girlfriend. The latter is the one that's true though. I really miss being his. I miss talking to him, I miss texting him, I miss curling up in the bed with him and passing out. I miss our silly little routine of going home with a take away and watching Come Dine With Me. Truth is, he is on my mind as much now as he was when we were together. Months apart, and still he is all I can see.<br />
<br />
All the logic in the world says I am better off without him, and in my head, I know that to be a fact. He lied, he (probably) cheated, he made promises he had no intention of keeping, and he made up crap about me after we finished. And yet if he called me right now, I know I would pick up the phone and talk to him all night.<br />
<br />
I really thought I would marry him.<br />
<br />
Knowing what I know about him, I should never want to speak to him again. Truth is I'd still marry him tomorrow. Do I really think that little of myself? And why do I think so much of him?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/nN6VR92V70M?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-88572226051412723372011-10-09T10:32:00.000-07:002011-10-09T10:32:22.356-07:00I don't wanna waste the weekend, if you don't love me pretend...Turns out that for all my talk, I never learn.<br />
<br />
I fell in love. I fell fast. Late August to early October was all it took, and just like that, a day after making plans for the future with me, he calls it all off, says we're too different and we're better as friends.<br />
<br />
I've been a wreck this past week, and I wonder why I ever welcomed the idea of this feeling. I always said that heartbreak was a good thing, because it proved you were capable of love. Now I never want to feel it again. I just want the happiness back.<br />
<br />
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I could have married him. I looked at him and I saw his flaws and I saw his faults and I saw nothing that would have made me not want to be with him. He introduced me to his daughter, to his family, to his friends. He called me every night right before bed. He held doors open for me, he was proud of everything I did. He asked what I was doing with someone like him. And then nothing.<br />
<br />
I've never had anything feel so right. And here I am once again, alone. Wondering why he doesn't want me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/3LCBkkSdjEo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-59916059318737975452011-05-02T15:47:00.000-07:002011-05-02T15:47:40.222-07:00Well you wanted something beautiful, you wished for something true...Tomorrow I start packing.<br />
<br />
I have such mixed feelings about moving out. I'm excited for a change, to get to know new housemates, to live in a house where things work, where it's not freezing all the time, and where I'm not struggling with the bills as much.<br />
<br />
And yet, as bad as some of the times in this house have been, as bad as some of the dramas have been, I have some incredible memories of living here. Just about all of my best moments with Lost Boy have happened here. The night of the first snow, back in November when he came over after work, we cooked and watched movies with our friends while he flirted and held my hand under the blanket. The night he came over and fell asleep holding my hand on the couch. Waking up in my bed to kisses from him.<br />
<br />
Ridiculous nights with Drummer have all happened here too. Lying in bed together and talking to the ghost in the room in what was possibly some of the funniest, cutest pillow talk in existence. Crazy nights where we were too busy with each other to even contemplate sleep.<br />
<br />
Fun times cooking dinner with my housemates and watching a movie, laughing, joking and just being friends. Something that sometimes felt so rare here.<br />
<br />
In so many ways I hope the new house is a happier place. And in so many ways, I can't see how it will compare to the times I've had here.<br />
<br />
A few days ago I realised that the reason I can't move past Lost Boy is because I love him. It's been obvious maybe, for a long time but it was the first time I said the words out loud. In a way, I don't think I want to get over him. Because if I get over him, I have to pick myself up and start from scratch again. Not sure if I have the motivation at the moment to do that. I've been single for so long now, and looking, always looking, that now that I found someone who captivates me the way he does, it's not something I'm willing to let go of, even though a big part of me knows that someone else will come along.<br />
<br />
I saw him tonight, just in passing in the street, through a window. We smiled and waved and it was easily the highlight of my day. On Friday night he walked past my work and I caught him checking to see if I was there before he gave me a thumbs up and continued walking. It completely changed my mood instantly.<br />
<br />
I don't know how long it's going to take for me to either move on, or prove to him that some girls stick around. And maybe something will happen in the mean time to change it all. But this past week, since my drunken confession to him, I've felt more positive about everything. And maybe that's just the start I need.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-67765921873079725992011-04-22T19:05:00.000-07:002011-04-22T19:05:58.855-07:00Scream in, scream out, time for healing....you feel the moment's gone too soon<div class="MsoNormal">I left my own house party tonight to walk Lost Boy home. That’s the new name I gave him after our talk tonight. Reader just doesn’t cover the range of things that he is. But more than anything, I think he’s lost. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I would love to understand what it is about THE ex. The one that has him so messed up. It’s been a year and a half, and I don’t think he’ll ever trust another girl again. The one person he gave his heart to and he got it broken in such a way that I’m not sure he’ll ever let it heal. The irony is that he’s probably the only guy I got close to doing that with, and here we are, four months after the fact and I’m still obsessing. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He admitted to me tonight that he’s not happy. That he never is. I told him the same. We spent the night flirting and chasing each other around the house, play fighting, messing, finding excuses to touch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walked him home as an excuse to be alone with him for a while, and I told him that Drummer had been a distraction from the fact that I couldn’t have my first choice. I stopped short of telling him that even after all these months, he’s still my first choice. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I got the courage to say it in a text when I got home. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He’s probably not going to reply, and it will be okay if he doesn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I said to him in the text message, he doesn’t feel the same, and that’s okay. I don’t expect him to. But at least I’ve said it. No regrets. I’ve been honest, and I’ve given it my best shot, and the rest of it is out of my hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is something quite freeing about knowing that. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">No matter what happens – if he responds, or if he ignores it, if he starts coming around a bit more, if he tries to fix our friendship or if he avoids me like the plague. It doesn’t matter. It’s out of my hands. I’ve said what I needed to say, and he knows how I feel and that’s all I can do. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I don’t think I’ll get the outcome that I want. As naive as I am, I am not stupid. But at least when I look back on this whole thing, and I know I will, I can say that I was honest, and that I put myself out there, and that if it didn’t work, it wasn’t because of something I did. And I’m starting to realise that is all I can hope for.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/xtuctFPHbhQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I'm waiting for your healing hand, one touch can bring me round....</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-24686436609097930202011-03-24T13:26:00.000-07:002011-03-24T13:26:30.126-07:00There's nothing wrong with loving who you are...Haven't had a whole lot to say lately.<br />
<br />
I've been sticking to this whole "no boys" rule that I came up with a few weeks ago. It's better for my health, but not really my social life.<br />
<br />
I went back to Weight Watchers today, after a few weeks of not eating properly, not eating at all, or binge eating. It seems I can never strike a good balance for long. The good news is that I am down 11 lbs since I started, which is amazing. My fabulous American Eagle jeans that I bought last summer are in need of a belt and the legs are baggy. Things are going back in the right direction, at least. I dreamt of my hotpants last night. All I've been thinking of to motivate myself in my weight loss is wearing these shorts and looking damn good in them at Oxegen this year.<br />
<br />
If I have another motivation, I'm sure no one would blame me. More than anything, this summer, I want to look amazing. I want to look thin, I want to feel confident, and I want to bump into every single one of those boys who didn't think I was enough, and I want to show them what they could have had.<br />
<br />
Some of the girls and I have set a shopping date for a few months time. New wardrobe for our new bodies.<br />
<br />
I know that being thin is not going to solve all of my problems. I know that what is on the outside doesn't matter nearly as much as who I am. But for all my life, I have been unhappy with how I look. This is me changing it. I know I am going this for the right reasons. This isn't because I think boys won't want me as I am (I have had more than my fair share of guys who have no shortage of hot girls wanting them). This is for me. I really believe that now.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's shallow. But if I can look in the mirror and like what I see, then maybe some other things will fall into place.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/wV1FrqwZyKw?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-73427712863585303892011-03-13T18:39:00.000-07:002011-03-13T18:39:48.095-07:00Don't give up on me, I'm about to come alive...I have a self destruct button a mile wide.<br />
<br />
The minute I start to do well at something, be it learning an instrument, losing weight, writing, a boy....a switch goes in my brain and I up and quit outright, or I sabotage myself at every turn. I see this in myself time and again, I know it's there and even as I am self destructing, there is a voice in my head that tells me I am. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, I do it anyway.<br />
<br />
For all my flaws, my worries, my fears, and all of the (many) things I want to improve about myself, I never seem to want to change it as badly as I want to give into something bad for me in that moment.<br />
<br />
I remember a time when I had incredible will power. I remember a time when surely, I was more interesting than I find myself to be now.<br />
<br />
I miss that girl a lot.<br />
<br />
I want to be the girl that is different, interesting and quirky. I don't want to blend in with the crowd. I want to stand out. I want to be noticed. I want to be special.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-73094589028834522632011-03-09T00:10:00.000-08:002011-03-11T11:32:59.645-08:00Everything is going to be alright...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/LoWEpKBgNM8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
They say the first step to any recovery is to admit the problem, so here goes:<br />
<br />
I am miserable.<br />
<br />
I ran away to Dublin today, took refuge in my friends spare bedroom, and hoped to escape my problems.<br />
The only flaw with that plan was that problems follow you no matter where you go.<br />
They don't go away just because the geography changes.<br />
<br />
A change of scenery sometimes helps though. I was only here a few hours when I saw my unhappiness for what it was. That was something I couldn't see at home. The truth is that I've been so miserable for so long, that I've almost forgotten the last time I was really, truly happy.<br />
<br />
I can point at Reader, and say that holding his hand on that snowy night, under the blanket as we joked and flirted and had fun with friends, as the last really strong memory of happiness. That was last November.<br />
<br />
I don't want my happiness to depend on a boy. I don't want to be that girl. And the truth is, I think I've been obsessing over boys so much lately because it ALL sucks. There is nothing I can point to in my life right now and say that I am completely happy with it. And rather than fix any of that, I fixated instead on the idea that if I at least could point to a boy and say he was mine, that I would be happy, and could deal with the other bad parts, because I had this one good thing.<br />
<br />
That's not how it works though. My mind is clearer than it has been in months. I was (am) crazy about Reader. I was replacing him with Drummer. And now I have neither of them. And that sucks. But it's going to be okay. It might not feel okay for a while, but it will pass, and I will move on.<br />
<br />
I will be happy alone. I have to be.<br />
<br />
Nearly all my relationships are pretty terrible at the moment. But the one that is at its worst, is the one with myself.<br />
<br />
And that one takes priority.<br />
<br />
I'll learn to be okay on my own.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-56917605495140850362011-03-06T14:33:00.000-08:002011-03-06T14:33:05.269-08:00Hating all the boys that got to you...<i>And all the things they took from you </i><br />
<i>That you'd kept for yourself. </i><br />
<br />
For lack of a better word, I got dumped tonight.<br />
I'm not sure what's worse, the feeling of being dumped when you're not even together, or being dumped because he has found someone he actually wants to be together with.<br />
Or it could be that for the first time in nearly a year, I haven't had a boy to occupy my mind or time.<br />
Drummer says he needs to straighten himself out and not be a womanizer any more. I said that I hoped she was worth it and he agreed. This is the second time in six months that he's found someone more worth it than I apparently am.<br />
I'm torn between being bitter (because I want to be the girl who is worth it) and resigned because he was always my second choice anyway.<br />
The great thing is that we both know it. We always do.<br />
He knows Reader, is friends with him even, and he knows, I think, that if it came down to it, who I would choose.<br />
It's okay though, because I know that he'd choose a different girl every time over me.<br />
<br />
Truth is, I'm not that cut up about it either way.<br />
I've seen it coming for a couple of weeks. I'm getting quite good at context clues, and it's not like we were ever epic anyway.<br />
The truth is, that what's upsetting me is that despite my promise that this year was not going to be about boys, it's been about nothing else so far.<br />
And now I've no excuses. I have no safety nets.<br />
Now, all I have is me.<br />
Already I am panicking about the free fall.<br />
<br />
I know in theory that its better to be lonely alone, than to be lonely with someone.<br />
I know that I deserve so much better than what all of these boys have been giving me.<br />
I know that until I am happy with just me, I'll never find a boy that will be happy with just me.<br />
Doesn't mean being alone sucks any less.<br />
I'd kind of gotten used to a warm body beside me in the bed at night.<br />
Cuddling up with my laptop doesn't feel nearly as good.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/SQk0M8W7B70?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-11620906582908497822011-03-01T14:55:00.000-08:002011-03-01T14:55:25.856-08:00oh how I wish I meant a little more than...<i>a symphony of heavy breathing </i><br />
<i>and the friction of hips </i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Turns out that feeling nothing is relative. Seeing you with someone else proved that.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-49565411309809022572011-02-26T07:38:00.000-08:002011-02-26T07:38:00.952-08:00Mistakes we knew we were making....Not sure what it says about me that I can spend the morning in bed with you, and feel nothing at all.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-41557557786992074332011-02-18T14:44:00.000-08:002011-02-18T14:44:38.875-08:00Do you remember a time when the truth ran free?If everything that you do is done for the right reasons, you'll never have regrets.<br />
<br />
Never not do something because it scares you. DO IT, because it scares you. The things that scare you most are the things you have the most to gain from.<br />
<br />
<br />
Just some thoughts going through my mind today. And now to figure out how to put them into practice.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-83145319693822426212011-02-17T16:50:00.000-08:002011-02-17T16:50:50.337-08:00I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPKBWPPEnsOFiwkH0kG-d3zTpv-QEAPEwcw5v8wgEB4cPKomgujX3p6_ek2pLhoD55eHVJyo-GvMKmxfz_fiHKyJindtyMHAwGC3kxKQJczdmCZdBk_Ne8QhiTStVCmKQmsjg4mBuJURI/s1600/walkinwater.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPKBWPPEnsOFiwkH0kG-d3zTpv-QEAPEwcw5v8wgEB4cPKomgujX3p6_ek2pLhoD55eHVJyo-GvMKmxfz_fiHKyJindtyMHAwGC3kxKQJczdmCZdBk_Ne8QhiTStVCmKQmsjg4mBuJURI/s1600/walkinwater.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
And even though the moment passed me by<br />
I still can't turn away<br />
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose<br />
Got tossed along the way<br />
<br />
<br />
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while<br />
And I won't tell no one your name<br />
<br />
<br />
Scars are souvenirs you never lose<br />
The past is never far<br />
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?<br />
Did you get to be a star?<br />
Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I think about you all the time<br />
But I don't need the same<br />
It's lonely where you are<br />
Come back down<br />
And I won't tell 'em your nameKatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-70520037410471878822011-02-15T12:20:00.000-08:002011-02-15T12:20:08.047-08:00She was a hurricane but now she's just a gust of wind...I don't know when it got so hard for me to be assertive.<br />
Maybe I've always been like this and just didn't realise it.<br />
I think maybe I'm too afraid of someone not liking me if I stand up for myself.<br />
I think maybe I'm too afraid of a boy not liking me if I stand up for myself.<br />
Saw Reader yesterday. Bumped into him on the street and for 10 minutes, despite a crap day and my bad mood, Valentines didn't suck.<br />
He said he might call over last night, but he didn't show. He did text to see if we could hang out tonight instead.<br />
Found out tonight he was on his way out with the boys.<br />
I actually called him on it, and in the space of 2 minutes, I felt 3 inches tall, wanting to take it back, to apologise for overreacting, to take the blame and ask him not to hate me for it.<br />
The irony is that I HATE weak girls who let guys treat them like this.<br />
If this was one of my friends I would have told her long ago to forget him. I've told myself to forget him.<br />
And now, because of a stupid fight, my bad mood is back, I feel foolish, and I feel like I've blown something with him.<br />
Blown what, I don't know, considering how awful it was last week when we hung out.<br />
I don't know where this attitude comes from.<br />
I don't know why I think that unacceptable treatment of me is acceptable, if it means a boy likes me.<br />
I hate that more than I hate this post-fight feeling.<br />
I have every right to be pissed if he blows off plans.<br />
I'm not his ex girlfriend who took it and accepted it for 2 years. I'm not even his current girlfriend. I am his friend, and I would never treat a friend like that.<br />
Time to stop letting them get away with it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/szX-tUd6nAY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-23449049538573890912011-02-10T17:50:00.000-08:002011-02-10T17:50:01.822-08:00You can get what you want or you can just get old...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4lz1H7j767uGcpfYlSHao1liMXNyudO0MOcSE6Iaugf87g3P4docIIkATIaiiVLTG_eSTWe_j5n725L05XAv-K9iC1OPnYkoHamG4iuLEaiwNkayRfM-ieugeGy9oNk53b3q_VPbu_zI/s1600/trains.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4lz1H7j767uGcpfYlSHao1liMXNyudO0MOcSE6Iaugf87g3P4docIIkATIaiiVLTG_eSTWe_j5n725L05XAv-K9iC1OPnYkoHamG4iuLEaiwNkayRfM-ieugeGy9oNk53b3q_VPbu_zI/s1600/trains.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Airports are hell on earth, buses are uncomfortable, and trains are cold. I romanticise them in a way that I can't explain. I want to travel again. San Francisco was two of the best weeks of my life. I always imagined I would have seen so much more of the world than I have, at this point. I left Dublin, came home, and have been lost to static and stillness ever since. I need to start moving again. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4YQklWUNeaKScDV_AOwtEDfiAC6ZR3mmt0iTMt0Maty0FEyXflUnZphXcbIxvTuW-9C8RhR7PaFh069_1UacrPgWeplpgx2iUXoctqQcoGmk3MFXzRXiNK6Ab_1HG1MrosRxqSOUvMYc/s1600/photography.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4YQklWUNeaKScDV_AOwtEDfiAC6ZR3mmt0iTMt0Maty0FEyXflUnZphXcbIxvTuW-9C8RhR7PaFh069_1UacrPgWeplpgx2iUXoctqQcoGmk3MFXzRXiNK6Ab_1HG1MrosRxqSOUvMYc/s1600/photography.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I don't know where my heart lies. I think I could happily spend my life in San Francisco. but maybe I need to keep looking for a while too. Melbourne looks incredibly appealing right now too. And maybe I'll end up following my heart right back home, or maybe I'll find something I never thought I would. I guess I won't know until I go, and I think maybe it's time I went looking, to see where my heart lies, and what it will find when I get there. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyIZux5MqVdSIaIHzkauPbZ4qwgWzbJhDcadjZRi3tQR4kNrVbFvjYlaDzrgvWM2vvGv4xraMUMDuqZ2qp4XcDttISiLLvIHMnIf2bDsz5qrsbOlm3Fo4pJyegiodBnWnMRqOYlQAlKbw/s1600/bike.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyIZux5MqVdSIaIHzkauPbZ4qwgWzbJhDcadjZRi3tQR4kNrVbFvjYlaDzrgvWM2vvGv4xraMUMDuqZ2qp4XcDttISiLLvIHMnIf2bDsz5qrsbOlm3Fo4pJyegiodBnWnMRqOYlQAlKbw/s320/bike.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Happiness is the shine on the street after the rain. It is the quiet moments in a busy city. It is exploring with friends, laughing, loving, dreaming, planning. It's making memories, taking photos and making collages in your mind, and on canvases too. It's in exploring the new, it's in facing your fears, it's in that perfect song that you listen to on repeat when you can't get out of bed because that little piece of music is the only thing keeping you awake. It's soft duvets, the smell of someone beside you. The knowledge that even if the spot beside you is empty, you are the greatest love that you will ever know. It's in all of the little moments that you have every day, and never notice. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrzL6-fGckSPlgWQjpLlJGtVfPddmyhYeb0yuoVO33gxJzQyXHNBnyf54jBtoj2xaq_V8QLpNhOrRGn7u3tm32rCqJJst0dB0Hgg2uQnjw6xH9MMz6QojmrO3AFgRRombdbcEtblJiXb4/s1600/happinessisfree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrzL6-fGckSPlgWQjpLlJGtVfPddmyhYeb0yuoVO33gxJzQyXHNBnyf54jBtoj2xaq_V8QLpNhOrRGn7u3tm32rCqJJst0dB0Hgg2uQnjw6xH9MMz6QojmrO3AFgRRombdbcEtblJiXb4/s1600/happinessisfree.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Time to start noticing. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Time to get my happiness back. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Time to get myself back. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/xsEBGhbSKVc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-14274943947623344682011-02-10T17:36:00.000-08:002011-02-10T17:36:50.866-08:00Is it something I'll regret or do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so badI lay on Readers couch tonight, watching stupid TV and trying to find something to say.<br />
It was harder than its ever been.<br />
He said a few weeks back that you can't go back once you've crossed a certain line. I'm starting to think he's right.<br />
<br />
I slept in his bed two weeks ago (for the first time in a couple of months) and things have been weird ever since. I'm beginning to realise that I'm never going to have him in the way I wanted him. Not again. I had a shot at it, and for a myriad of reasons, it didn't work out.<br />
<br />
He was pretty much the last thing keeping me here. I couldn't help but wonder if I left, would I be missing out on something with him, but now I know for sure.<br />
<br />
It feels nice just to know, one way or another I think.Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-69967842144090817952011-02-04T15:31:00.000-08:002011-02-04T15:31:06.127-08:00Lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?I feel like I'm wasting my life.<br />
The worst part is that I don't know how to change it at all.<br />
I'm so terrified of waking up one day when I'm 50 and wondering what the hell I did with myself.<br />
Already I feel like I have lost all of the things that made me interesting and unique.<br />
Feel very much like I am settling for a very ordinary life.<br />
Need to make a change<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6sTsfZBgU4s?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-44204541394527510092011-02-04T15:16:00.000-08:002011-02-04T15:16:03.069-08:00No no, I will never regret, no no I will live my lifeLife has been so beyond sucky lately that I have found a serious lack of words with which to describe it.<br />
So instead, I am attempting to find my mojo again by making a positivity post :)<br />
There is plenty I could whine and complain about but focusing on it will only further the depression. I am trying to be optimistic, so I bring you, amazing quotes, and feel good music.<br />
<br />
"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours." - Atlas Shrugged </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"go be that starving artist you're afraid to be. open up that journal and get poetic finally. volunteer. suck it up and travel. you were not born here to work and pay taxes. you were put here to be a part of a vast organism to explore and create. stop putting it off. the world has much to offer than what's on 15 television at TGI fridays. take pictures. scare people. shake up the scene." - Jason Mraz</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. so love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said that it'd be easy - they just promised it would be worth it." - anonymous</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. the brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." - ambrose redmoon</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"there are moments in our lives when find ourselves at a crossroad. afraid, confused, without a road map. the choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. of course when faced with the unknown most of us prefer to turn around and go back. but once in a while people push on to something better. something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. or to give someone a second chance. something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. because it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are. and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be the person you want to be does exist. somewhere on the other side of hard work, and faith, and belief. and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead." - one tree hill</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"when adults say, 'teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. we need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. we think that we are invincible because we are. we cannot be born, and we cannot die. like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. they forget that when they get old. they get scared of losing and failing. but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail. thomas edison's last words were: 'it's very beautiful over there.' i don't know where there is, but i believe it's somewhere, and i hope it's beautiful." - john green</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"don't rush through growing up. it's a priceless feeling to be able to break one more glass, skip one more class. there will come a time where things will slow down. and we will miss our days when being young and reckless was all that meant to us. every tree started from a bud. you will do great things one day, but till then, live freely and without regret." - anonymous</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"go after her, fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign 'cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought i'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in maeningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really." - anonymous</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;">"life doesn't give you the people you want. it gives you the people you need. to help you. to hurt you. to love you. to leave you. and to make you into the person you were meant to be." - anonymous</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">" You are so young. You stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for answers because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to LIVE the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even knowing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Letters to a young Poet</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">"There are going to be so many people in the world who tell you can't do something- you might as well not be one of them.<br />
Be passionate and foolhardy enough to put yourself on the line for something or someone you believe in.<br />
Be honest and tough enough to accept whatever the outcome is, good or bad.<br />
Be brave and naieve enough to try it again and again. and again.<br />
Life is too short for the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.<br />
I fall flat on my face most of the time, but what an adventure it is falling!" - Keltie Colleen </span></span></span><br />
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</span></span></span>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-72806972869090804512011-01-26T07:03:00.000-08:002011-01-26T07:03:15.262-08:00In another life I would make you stay so I don't have to say you were the one that got away...<div class="MsoNormal">I don’t want to label anyone The One That Got Away purely because I don’t think anyone that’s been in my life deserves such an epic title. I guess I’m still holding out hope that if someone gets away in my future, it will be more deserving of the title than anyone in my past has been. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">One came pretty close though. We’ll call him Rocky purely because the song that reminds me most of him is “Rocky took a lover” by Bellx1. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ve known Rocky my whole life. He was probably the first boy that was ever really my friend, even way back when girls and boys weren’t friends with each other. We grew up together from the age of 10, playing, hanging out, climbing trees and being kids. When we were teenagers he dated my cousin for a while. He and I also had a texting thing when we were 15. To be honest I don’t even remember, but he does. We drifted apart, going to different schools, hanging out in different crowds...</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We got back in touch in my third year of college. We spent approximately six months texting each other and visiting each other’s work places every weekend when I was home. Flirting and joking and playing around. It was obvious to everyone around us that there was something there. I moved home for the summer and it took us until August. But wow did we do it in style. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Saw each other on a night out, danced all night, left in the pouring rain and on the night we had our first kiss, we had our first everything in the rain, in the mud, beside the river with the sounds of the clubs and pubs letting out all around us. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There were probably more downs than ups in the few months we made it last. In fact there is no probably about it. Looking back now, I remember much more bad than good. But the good came in small surprising bursts. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I think more than any other guy, he came the closest to breaking my heart. He, actually, is the beginning in my recent long line of “bad” boys who won’t commit and who never give me as much as I give them. It all started with him. I think I might have loved him. If not, it’s the closest I’ve ever been. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There’s probably something deep and meaningful to be found in that fact if I were to examine it hard enough. Before him, I was the heartbreaker. After him, I was the girl that fell for the player who always let me down. </div><div class="MsoNormal">Tonight, when we were talking, I told him that I’d never seen much evidence to suggest he was a romantic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He responded by telling me that he didn’t know why he’d never been that way with me. When I suggested that maybe it was as simple as me not being the right girl, he said the perfect thing, just a year and a half too late. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He told me that he’d really liked me, but because he’d liked me he’d pushed me away, and that was why we didn’t work out. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He can have no idea how much sleep I lost wondering what I’d done wrong, wondering why he didn’t like me enough, was it because I was fat (he eventually got with a girl heavier than me), was it because I wasn’t interesting enough? Was the sex not good? Was I ugly? Why? Why? Why? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And now I know that it was him. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And maybe now I’ll trust myself enough to not always assume that if something doesn’t work out, that it was because of me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">People come in and out of your life for a million different reasons. Sometimes you’ll know straight away why. And other times, you might not figure it out until they aren’t around anymore. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s bittersweet that it didn’t work out with Rocky and I.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But he gave me an amazing summer and incredible memories. And tonight he gave me a bigger gift than he can possibly realise. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yeah, I’m pretty sure I loved him. And now he loves someone that didn’t scare him. And I am falling for a friend of his, who, funnily enough, will never love me back. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8698343719471662757.post-8635831641907749932011-01-26T06:58:00.000-08:002011-01-26T06:58:49.283-08:00And I can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love<div class="MsoNormal"><b>January 21st </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I wanted this blog to be all about me, as self absorbed as that sounds. I thought I could write about anything in my life, but that above all else, this was not going to be about a boy. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So far I am pretty sure all my entries revolve around Him in some way so I think that is one goal that can definitely be crossed off as having failed so far. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The truth is it’s hard to write about my life and not write about Him when he is still very much a part of my life, and is still confusing me at every twist and turn. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Last night he was asking me about my “hottie” friend that he saw me with during the week. Tonight he had me pinned to a couch tickling me and making me laugh and play fighting with me and finding every excuse in the world to touch me. He was also playing 20 questions with a girl via text. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Clearly an asshole? YES. </div><div class="MsoNormal">Therefore, clearly my type? YES. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I don’t want to be attracted to jerks. I really don’t. But they are the ones that I fall for again and again. So subconsciously at least, I like being treated mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I just wish I could figure out why. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want the boy that will hold my hand and hang out with me and be nice to me but still be playful and make fun and do all of the flirty things I love. In a way, He is perfect at that, well at least sometimes. The problem is that he only ever has to be a fraction as nice as he is mean to me to keep me interested. I want someone that is going to be like that all the time. That will be consistently nice. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I can pretty much guarantee that the next time I see him, he’ll be horrible to me purely because he had so much fun with me tonight. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I haven’t forgotten the endgame here. I don’t want to fall for him any more than I already have. I haven’t forgotten that he is a jerk above all else, and I especially haven’t forgotten that the second I let my guard down, he’ll only crush me without a second thought or a trace of guilt. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So why is it that every time he is like this, I want to surrender? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07095455185430188143noreply@blogger.com0